Page 9 of My French Love Affair

A short, sharp laugh escapes me. I wouldn’t put it past Noah to turn up outside my apartment with a speaker held above his head, blasting one of the songs from the playlist.

I put the girls out of their misery.

Me:It’s done. It’s over.

I hesitate for a second before typing out two more words.

Me:I’m free.

I stare at the message, my thumb hovering over the screen as I let it sink in.

Free.

The word lingers in my mind, feeling both weightless and strange.

Like a gust of fresh air I hadn’t realised I needed.

Yet even as the tension eases from my shoulders, even as the weight lifts from my chest, the guilt is already creeping in, gnawing at me like a hungry raccoon.

Noah was -is- a good guy. Kind, thoughtful, affectionate. The type of boyfriend who remembers your coffee order, tells you you’re beautiful every day, and more than anything else, genuinelycares.

So why did everything he said and did make me cringe to high heaven?

And why the hell couldn’t I just like him back?

I didn’t want to hurt him. The memory of his reaction last night - of the clear confusion, of his wounded expression - twists my stomach into knots. I hate thinking about him being upset because of me.

But at the same time… I feltbetter the second the words left my mouth.

Like I couldbreatheagain.

And if breaking up with someone who adored me makes me feelthismuch relief, then surely -surely- I made the right decision.

Even if it hurt him.

Even if I still feel like I kicked an earnest golden retriever straight in the heart.

The screen lights up again.

Em:Omg THANK GOD.

I’m sorry, but if I had to listen to him call you his little petal one more time, I was going to personally intervene.

Jas:Same. But like. Are you okay??

Ah. Nowthisis why Jas is my favourite.

(Not that I’d ever admit that out loud.)

Me:I mean… I feel a bit like I kicked a puppy.

A very earnest puppy that just wanted to love me and read me handwritten poetry.

The replies are immediate.

Em:Yeah, but that puppy was also slightly suffocating you.

Andpolicing your meal choices.

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