Page 139 of Crash & Burn

“Hey, sunshine,” he says as he puts his hands in his pockets. If I know my raindrop, I know he is resisting the urge to reach for me, the same way I am as I close my hands into fists at my sides.

“Hi,” I reply, my eyes roaming around his face, looking at it like I don’t have every line, every freckle, every angle memorized. His lips curve, a small smile angling to one side of his face, revealing the dimple that I still believe doesn't belong on a face with a jaw so sharp.

“You okay?” He asks, even though I know he knows the answer. There are conversations buzzing around us, and I know no one but Mateo—and Annie—know the act we’re putting on.

“Not really,” I say because I promised him I wouldn’t pretend. The same as he promised me.

“Me either,” he answers. There is a discomfort in this conversation, which makes my chest ache. Conversations have never felt forced with Eddie, confirming my fears that things will never be the same.

“We shouldn’t do this right now.”

“I know,” he replies.

“We can’t make today about us.”

“I know,” he says again.

I turn to see Mateo and Annie still talking, now joined by Luke, and Mateo must sense me looking at him because his eyes meet mine for a brief second before he looks away, and I knew that him dismissing me would be the nail in the fucking coffin.

I feel my breathing go shallow, but I can’t do this here.

I don’t want to remind everyone, now of all times, that I betrayed the one person who has been a constant in my life. The one person who was there for me when my life completely fell apart, more than once, and I didn’t know how to put the pieces back together.

I feel Eddie’s hand on my back, and I use it as my lifeline, reminding me that I need to breathe, but I can’t get my lungs to take in air.

I close my eyes, trying to stop the inevitable, but I can’t stop my mind from racing. I can’t calm the thoughts telling me that I fucked everything up. That I deserve to be alone because I’m selfish. It’s why Nico left angry that night. It’s why Eddie and Mateo won’t be friends anymore. It’s why I’m such a fucking disappointment to the only family I have.

“I got her,” I hear, but it feels like I’m underwater. Mateo has appeared at my side, staring daggers at Eddie. I don’t even have time to register what is happening as Mateo walks me out of the private room until he leads me outside and the gust of the fall wind helps me catch my breath.

The wedding ceremony started at 5 p.m., and the dinner and reception is set to start at 6:30 p.m. It must be almost time for the rest of the guests to arrive because the sky is getting dark.

“What did I say about making today about you, Mia?” Mateo says, his voice stern. I thought he brought me out here to help, but it just confirms how much of a fuck-up I am.

I don’t know what to say to him. Knowing now is not the time to hash this out but also knowing that I don’t think I can make it through the rest of the night if I keep letting my mind run wild.

“Mateo,” I start. He is leaning back on the brick wall of the venue. We’re out on a vacant patio that is used for summer weddings, the patio furniture covered with plastic tarps. “I’m sorry. About not telling you about Eddie.”

“Mia, no. We aren’t doing this right now.” He makes a move to head back inside, but I grab his arm.

“No, Mateo. You need to listen to me. I never meant for this to happen. It just did!” My voice is raising, but I can’t help it.

He turns to face me, pulling his arm out of my grip. “I told you. I told you to focus on yourself. To not let yourself get distracted with someone, let alone my best friend.”

“I am focusing on myself. I’m not the broken girl going around punching guys at the bars or refusing to let go of the past anymore. I’m moving on. I’m healing,” I reply, needing my brother to see that I am not the same person I was two summers ago.

Mateo scoffs. “You’re doing it again, you know. Trying to fix someone who is broken. You tried it with Nico; you’re doing it now with Eddie. I need you to focus on you!” His voice raises slightly before he begins to pace.

Eddie’s possessiveness must have rubbed off on me because my instinct to protect him overpowers the apology I was ready to spout.

Mateo is stooping low, and I’ve learned that he uses that tactic when he’s mad.

But mad is good. I can work with mad.

Anything but disappointment.

“I’ll apologize for not telling you, but I will not apologize for loving Eddie.” All day, I have been battling thoughts that I haven’t had about myself in months because of how shitty I felt for lying to my brother. I’ve been telling myself for hours now that I ruined everything. That Eddie and I will never be able to get over this. That I got between my brother and Eddie, but I don’t think that’s the case. “You have no right to speak about Eddie that way. He is not broken, and I never thought he needed fixing. And shame on you for throwing Nico at me.” My voice has an edge that I barely ever take with Mateo.

“You don’t get to talk to me about Eddie. He’s my best friend. I’ve known him for a decade. You’ve known him for a year.” He is trying to hit me where it hurts, but I can take it.

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