Page 32 of Crash & Burn

Mia

I decide to go to Lenny’s with the guys because the rest of practice was fun. Actually the pastweekof practices have been fun. Each day, I’ve felt part of something for the first time in a while, and I’m grateful to Mateo for giving me that.

Not only that, Mateo has taken a step back and left me alone to take care of myself with the guys. He doesn’t try to keep me away from them like he used to, and I think he can see that they are becoming my friends too. Which is something I definitely didn’t expect to happen, but I am forever thankful for. I forgot how nice it is to be around people who make you laugh and who laugh along with you.

I will admit, with Theo and Silas, it is different. I still think it is hilarious they will do what I want as long as I bat my eyes and smile at them, but it is similar to how Mateo would too. I play theyounger sisterrole with them.

With Eddie, it isn’t like that.

And I would rather not think too much about it.

After we stopped arguing over who was my favorite, the guys played the setlist one more time before packing up the equipment so Theo and Silas could take it to the venue tomorrow.

As a band, they ended up deciding their final song would be one of their older, more popular songs, and they would debut the new song on their last show of the tour because Eddie is still working on it.

While they played through the setlist, I finished scheduling some social media posts for them and editing the practice photos I had. I also made some plans for what shots I wanted to get during their first show tomorrow night, knowing it would be a little different being at the concert versus in the warehouse.

I let myself worry for a few minutes about what it would feel like being at my first concert in years. Something I used to do frequently now made my palms sweaty. The last concert I went to was a small show Nico’s band played at near my college campus. Before that, it was when Nico, me, and our friends saw Cross My Heart at one of the new bars on campus.

That was over three years ago.

“You ready?” I hear behind me. I’m sitting in front of my laptop, but the screen has gone black since I have been sitting in my own thoughts for who knows how long.

“Yeah, sorry. Just got to pack up my stuff,” I tell my brother. Eddie, Theo, and Silas must have finished packing up everything and headed to Lenny’s because it’s just me and Mateo left in the warehouse.

“Before we head over, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

The nine words that will always set my anxiety off.

What could he possibly need to talk to me about? Did something bad happen? Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Is he firing me?

No, he wouldn’t fire me.

I must have messed something up.

Instead of asking him any of these questions firing in my brain, I ask, “What is it?”

Mateo walks over to sit in the chair across from me. The one Eddie has been frequenting all week.

“So,” he begins, “I’ve noticed that you’re . . .different.”

“Um, okay.”

“I don’t know what it is, but this week,” he pauses and lets out a little laugh to himself. “It’s like you’re finally you again.” I can hear the emotion in his voice, not at all where I thought this conversation was headed.

Mateo clears his throat before continuing, “I haven’t seen you smile this much in years, and your sense of humor, your sass, your wit, it’s all back. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again.”

When I told Eddie last weekend that I was starting to feel like myself, it was more than just feeling motivated to do something with my life again. It was like my personality had been muted, and someone finally turned the volume back on.

It has all come back more and more because of how good it feels to see in color again after seeing only in black and white since losing Nico. I know I will never fully get over what happened, but I finally feel like standing still isn’t my only option anymore.

I actually feel myself putting one foot in front of the other.

“And I wanted to apologize for being so protective of you when you first started coming around. I can tell the guys like you, and you get along with all of them well. I think they see you like I do, which means I have nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, nothing at all,” is the only thing I can say because I have a vague feeling of disappointment in my stomach at the thought ofallof the guys seeing me like Mateo does, but I decide, instead of burying the feeling, to let it go.

I’m in a good place, or at least heading towards one. I’m making friends. I have people who care about me. I’m doing something I enjoy. That’s all I need right now.

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