Page 38 of Crash & Burn

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Nico and I finally are spending some time together after not seeing each other for a few weeks. Classes have been kicking my ass, and he’s been working on finding venues that will let him and his band play to get some visibility.

Right now, he’s playing me the song he’s been working his ass off on. The one he’s been working on for weeks and wants to be perfect.

The one he is writing for me.

“Hold on, let me just finish this last paragraph.”

We’re sitting on the floor of my dorm room, our backs up against the side of my bed. His guitar is on his lap, and my laptop is on mine. I’m working on a paper that is due at midnight because I didn’t have time to do it when the boys I nanny for were at their swim lesson. “Babe, are you even listening?”

“No. I mean, yes. But wait, let me finish before I forget what I want to say.”

He lets out a harsh sigh and the music that was playing in the background stops as he lets go of his guitar and leans his head back on the bed. I can tell this is going to be another argument, but I have to finish this paper within the next half an hour, or it’ll be late.

Nico and I have been arguing a lot about our priorities, mainly him feeling like I’m not making him one. I hate that I’m making him feel like I don’t have time for him, but my prioritieshaveshifted since the second semester of my sophomore year started.

“Nico, stop. This is important.”

“What, and my song isn’t?”

I let out a sigh of my own and close my laptop before turning to him. “Don’t put words in my mouth. Yes, it’s important.”

“You have a funny way of showing it. You can’t even listen to it for two minutes.” He puts his guitar in the case sitting on the ground next to him before closing it and standing up. He has been quicker and quicker to anger lately, as if his patience evaporates faster and faster with every fight we have. He walks over to where his jacket is hanging on my desk chair. February is a snowy, cold month in Wisconsin, but all he has is his black denim jacket.

“Where are you going?” I ask, standing up and putting my laptop on my bed.

“You have better things to do, so I’m just gonna go.” He slides his arms into his jacket before walking past me to pick up his guitar case. His tone is harsh, but I don’t like leaving him alone when he gets like this.

“I’m almost done, just wait.” I grab his arm, trying to make him look at me.

“I don’t want to wait, Mia.” He rips his arm away from me. “I’ve been waiting weeks for you to have time for me, and I’m sick of it.” His voice is rising in volume, and I hate when he gets like this. I know his emotions are hard for him to control, but I just need him to be patient.

“Stop, please don’t leave angry.”

“No, Mia. I’m done!” He’s yelling now and stomping towards the door. He opens the door before stepping out of my room and slamming the door behind him.

***

“Come back!” I scream, but I’m no longer looking at my dorm room door closing. Instead, I’m in the backseat of my brother’s car, but it isn’t moving. And I’m alone.

It’s been months since I’ve hadthisdream, and it’s the one that hits the hardest. It’s the one that’s the closest to reality. The one that reminds me of our last night together. The night that represents the biggest regret of my life.

It takes me a second to register that we’re stopped at a gas station, so Mateo and Eddie must have gone in and didn’t want to wake me up.

I take my headphones off that are no longer playing anything and sit up. I rub my eyes before I reach for the handle of the door, and my whole body freezes.

Outside the window, Eddie is staring at me. One of his hands is in a tight fist at his side and the other is on the gas pump that happens to be on the side of the car I am on.

He looks like he just saw a ghost.

My brother must still be inside, leaving Eddie to fill up the tank. This means he most likely heard me scream into an empty car after being completely passed out, and I don’t know if it is the remnants of the dream I just had or the embarrassment of Eddie seeing me, but I can’t move.

Eddie is watching me, and I can tell he doesn’t know what to do.

My mind finally remembers how to move my body, and I slowly open the car door. My one and only priority is getting out of this interaction with my dignity still intact. I don’t even have time to think about the dream itself, so I push down the feelings that threaten to boil over and the thoughts that will send me into a spiral.

As the car door opens, Eddie has to take a few steps to the side to get out of the way. He doesn’t take his eyes off me.

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