Page 54 of Crash & Burn

“You also have had a crazy day. I’m surprised you’re still standing.”

Between getting up early to drive here this morning to the busy day of prepping for the show and the emotional rollercoaster that today consisted of, it really is no wonder this didn’t happen sooner.

“I didn’t freak you out?” I don’t know why I ask, but, as I calm down, I can’t help but wonder how he is so unbothered. Panic attacks are normal for people like me, and there is nothing wrong with them, but they are not an easy thing to navigate for everyone.

“One of my sisters used to have panic attacks when we were little.”

I want him to say more, but he doesn’t.

I don’t push my luck.

Instead, I save the small piece of him he shared with me in a special place to revisit later.

I take my hands, now free of blood, back, and I take my ponytail out and run my fingers through my hair.

“I need to go to bed,” I say aloud, not to Eddie, just to the room.

“You’re right. I should go,” Eddie says as he stands up from the bed.

“No,” rushes out of my mouth before I can stop it.

He freezes and looks down at where I’m still sitting.

“I mean,” I start, but I don’t know what to say next. No, I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t tell him that. “you don’t have to go.”

“You need rest. I’ll see you tomorrow, sunshine.” He gives me a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Don’t do that with me.”

“What?”

“Put on the mask.”

He laughs, but it is free of humor. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to pretend with me. You don’t have to act like you’re happy all the time.”

He turns around and heads to the door, so I get up and follow him. He goes to grab the handle but then stops and turns around, his back to the door.

“I like to make sure everyone around me is happy. The easiest way to do that is to be happy myself.”

I cross my arm, ignoring the feel of the t-shirt ride up the side of my legs. “But you’re not actually happy.”

“I’m happy enough,” he says. “If it quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” He reaches out to me, using his finger to tap my nose.

I want to tell him that the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach doesn’t work for the broken ones, but then he turns back to the door, and my arms reach out and grab his on their own. “Wait,” I plead. “Stay.”

Eddie stays facing the door, “Mia, I can’t.”

“Just as my friend.”

“Sunshine, it isn’t a good idea. You’re tired, and we still have stuff we need to talk about.” I know he is talking about the kiss, but the conversation can wait. As much as I liked kissing Eddie, I can live without it if it means I don’t lose him yet.

“Eddie, please. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

I didn’t know it was true until the words left my mouth.

He slowly turns his head to look at me, his body still facing the door, and his eyes bore into mine. I know he wants to stay, but I also know that he is trying to be the strong one.

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