Page 112 of Crash & Burn

My face matches his, covered with the purple face mask.

I put his mask on, and he put on mine, and you can tell with how well I smoothed the purple mud mask over his face and how he clumsily smeared it all over mine.

“Time to wash them off,” I say, pausing the movie and grabbing Eddie’s hand. We walk hand-in-hand to the bathroom, making a purple mess at my sink, before starting the movie again, all wrapped in each other.

Tonight has proven to me that this is more than a physical connection. While I know my body aches to be with his, my heart aches for his just the same.

Maybe more.

Chapter 37

Eddie

When we’re with our friends, it is easy to fall back into mineand Mia’s flirty, harmless friendship, but it is impossibly hard to keep my hands to myself. Whenever I can, I make sure I’m near her and my eyes are always on her.

How can they not be? She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Her smile is blinding and her laugh beckons me like Daisy and her favorite peanut butter treats.

Mia is so damn tempting, but the time with others makes our alone time so much more special.

The nights I can get to her place, the tension is usually so high that I can barely get through the door without ripping her clothes off. We have yet to have sex, but we make good use of our time doing everything in between.

But seeing her. Being with her. It is so much more than the physical stuff.

We also talk about everything and anything, and she truly is the sunshine to my rainy day. Every time she laughs, cries, smiles, or moans, it further proves to me that I was meant to be hers.

Lying to Mateo, putting on a show in front of our friends, that has been starting to weigh on me.

I also have the guilt of keeping Mia a secret, when she is so much more than that. Even though Annie, Drew, Luke, and Emmett know about us, it is always the elephant in the room. None of us talk about it. None of us address it.

The morning after our firstTwilightmovie marathon, almost three weeks ago, I couldn’t shake the feeling of heaviness. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t like feeling weighed down. It was more like I was no longer missing parts of me anymore. Like the parts I lost all those years ago were somehow back where they were supposed to be.

I felt more myself than I have in ages. Like I didn’t have to go through the motions, numb and disconnected.

I was grounded. I could feel my feet on the floor.

When I saw the flash of sadness in Mia’s eyes when she told me I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, I realized something.

That night that changed everything for her, she never got to say goodbye to Nico. He left angry at her, at the world, and it took so long for her to forgive the fault she found in herself.

Seeing the sadness cloud the stars in her eyes, and then disappear without a trace showed me that it is possible to not always feel this way. Like you could break down at any moment, whether from sadness or anger, or the combination of both.

I want that.

And Mia makes me feel like I mightactuallydeserve it.

The morning after our secondTwilightmarathon, it solidified in my brain that I wanted that for myself but also so I could be the man Mia deserved.

I decided to start seeing a therapist.

I made the appointment and everything.

The first session came around, and I got to the parking lot and everything.

But I didn’t go in.

I didn’t tell Mia either, that she indirectly helped me take this first step even though it ended up being a step backwards.

I rescheduled for next week.

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