Page 42 of Crash & Burn

We’re friends, but we’re still getting to know each other. I don’t even know what kind of friend she sees me as. Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for her to mess with, maybe flirt a little with, and sometimes I feel like we know each other on a deeper level. Moments pass between us where I feel like she gets me, without me even having to open up. I don’t feel like my smiles are fake around her, and she makes mefeelin ways I didn’t think I was capable of anymore.

I’m backstage with Theo and Silas, and we go on in about ten minutes. The nerves havefullytaken over. Even though I’m still upset that I haven’t been able to talk to Mia, my mind starts to focus on the fact that we are about to do our first official show opening for the openers of a headlining band.

I begin to pace, listening to the random conversations happening backstage. We have already talked to the audio and visual teams to make sure the lights and other effects are taken care of for our set. We made sure all the sounds were balanced during sound check and already had our ear monitors on when we got here, so now we just wait until we get the signal that it is time to go on. Mateo walked Mia out into the crowd to make sure she had everything she needed.

She has a photo pass around her neck that identifies her as the band photographer, so she can get past security and venue staff. She has my Cross My Heart T-shirt, but I can’t help but share Mateo’s concern that she is all alone in the crowd.

We get the two-minute warning, and I take a second to collect myself because, if I don’t, this is going to be a disaster. I tell myself that I’ll talk to Mia afterwards, but for now, I have to focus on doing my absolute best for this show. Mateo, Theo, and Silas are counting on me, and I refuse to let the people who depend on me down, no matter what. I take a breath before rejoining Theo and Silas who don’t have a nervous bone in their body.

Mateo comes up beside us just before the lights go down, and we get the signal.

It’s time.

Chapter 14

Mia

I watch from the outskirts of the crowd as the lights go down. In the dark, I can see the silhouettes of Mateo, Theo, Silas, and Eddie make their way to their spots on stage, Mateo in the middle, Theo to his right, Silas to his left, and Eddie at his drum set in the back center.

The crowd is small because the doors just opened thirty minutes ago, but I know it will grow. Right now, it is good because it gives me room to find where I can get some good angles. My plan is to start out here, get some photos, then get some from the area that is sectioned off for security and other venue staff. I’ll get some up-close shots and shots of the crowd there. Then, I’ll end back out here for the last song.

I don’t have time to think about anything else because the lights are about to go up, and Eddie is about to hit his drumsticks three times.

Eddie.

He probably thinks I’m crazy, closing off after he asked about my dream.

It just caught me off guard.

Not because I was reminded of Nico, but because Ihadto be reminded of him.

After I had the dream in the car, I was able to distract myself, and Eddie is the perfect distraction.

It wasn’t until Eddie asked about it again before sound check that I realized how easily the dream drifted from my mind.

I’ve spent three years waking up from my dreams and longing for them to be reality, telling myself I would do anything to make them one. I’ve also spent the last three years having those dreams remind me of a time in my life that I barely made it out of.

Today was the first day that the dream was just that, a dream. And I didn’t know how to feel.

I still don’t.

So, I was caught off guard.

It wasn’t until I was alone in my hotel room, getting ready for tonight’s show, that I realized there is still sadness at the memory of Nico, but there is a new-found happiness too.

There was also no guilt.

I made a note in my phone to talk about this in therapy next week because it is the first time in a long time I felt there was movement forward in my healing process.

My hands find my camera hung around my neck, and I take a deep breath because I will be okay, and it is the first time I tell myself that and actually believe it.

***

The guys are killing it.

With every song, the crowd grows larger, and I can’t even see open space in the back of the venue anymore. It is obvious not everyone is here for them, and the venue is in no way at capacity, but the consistent growth of the crowd is definitely hyping the guys up, and they are doing amazing.

Mateo is doing an awesome job of keeping the crowd engaged, and Theo and Silas are in perfect rhythm with each other, their background vocals perfectly complimenting Mateo’s lead vocals.

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