Page 60 of Back To You

Devin knew how much Luke meant to me; she knew how being loved by him felt more like a dream than a reality—those are the types of things you tell your best friend when you’re young and in love.

My feelings for Luke are so tied up in this whole situation, and I go back and forth on being embarrassed about it to wanting to slap myself in the face for not doing something about it sooner.

I feel Drew’s fingers in my hair as she lets me cry, and I feel Mia’s hand wrap around mine. Through the tears, I see her arm reached behind her, and one hand on the steering wheel, and it makes me cry even more.

I don’t feel like I have to be strong—they’re giving me the space to fall apart. And just like they promised,they’re here for when I’m ready to put myself back together.

After a while, the car stops moving. I don’t know if Mia took the long way home, or if these ten minutes just felt like hours, but we are parked outside Mia and Eddie’s apartment complex.

I let go of Mia’s hand and push myself up from Drew’s lap, wiping my hands across my cheeks. My first instinct is to apologize, but they stop me before I can. “Don’t,” Drew and Mia say at the same time, and I see both their eyes glisten as I look back and forth between them.

“Don’t you dare apologize for falling apart,” Drew says.

“And I won’t apologize for going back there and punching that bitch in the face,” Mia says, turning around in the driver seat. “Seriously, Ann. I’ve never seen you like that.”

“Me either,” Drew adds.

I sigh. “I haven’t felt like that. Not since moving here, meeting you guys.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Drew asks.

I feel myself nod, and now there’s no going back.

“Wait,” Mia says, before getting out of the driver’s side and rounding the car. She opens the car door to the backseat that is vacant next to me and squeezes in until I’m squished between the two of them.

I can’t help but laugh. “We can go inside. The boys are probably ruining dinner as we speak.”

Drew waves a hand. “All they have to do is pull out the lasagna when the timer goes off. They can handle that.”

I shake my head, but I feel my lips curl in a smile. Even with my cheeks still wet from my tears and my eyes swollen, smiling feels good, even if it’s just for a second.

I take in a deep inhale, and I feel Drew grab my left hand and Mia grab my right as I exhale. “I was bullied in high school.” Drew lets out a small gasp and Mia squeezes my hand. “I didn’t realize it still affected me so much until tonight.”

“Of course, it affects you,” Drew says, her teacher side coming out. “There are so many studies that show bullying has a lasting effect into adulthood. That is nothing to be ashamed of.”

I nod. “We were friends before that, Devin and me. We had other friends too, Penelope, Bea, Eliza, we were all close going into freshman year. Then something changed. I wanted to audition for the school’s musical, and Devin and the other girls wanted to try out for cheerleading. I didn’t think much of it at the time, and I thought we would still be friends who were just into different things.

“I got the lead in the musical my freshman year, and it was a pretty big deal. Freshmen were usually in the ensemble, but I was able to land the main female role. I was so excited to tell them.”

I remember running down the hallway and finding Luke, barely being able to get out the words. He hugged me and said he was proud of me, but I told him I had to go and find Devin. I couldn’t wait to tell her—my best friend.

“When I told them—Devin and our other friends—they seemed happy for me. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I came to school the next day and found out Devin and the girls didn’t make the cheerleading team. I felt like a complete asshole for making the day before all about me, and I wanted to apologize. But I didn’t have a chance because I heard the rumor about how I got the role.”

Even though it was years ago, I still remember the shame and embarrassment I felt, and I wish I could go back and tell my younger stuff that it wasn’t my fault I felt that way.

“Rumor?” Mia prompts, and I turn to her.

“They told everybody that I got the role because I offered a blowjob to the music director.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Mia exclaims, her voice sounding much louder in the quiet car. “There’ssomuch wrong with what you just said.”

“Um, let’s start with the fact that you thought you had toapologizefor being excited about an achievement to yourfriends. Fuck that. Fuck them,” Drew adds, her voice just as loud and just as pissed.

“And to start such a horrible andharmfulrumor! Does she understand not only how wrong it is to say that but how damaging and dangerous it is?” Mia stresses, her hand closing so tightly around mine, but I don’t think she notices.

“Do you think she’s still at the store?” Drew asks, and I can’t help but laugh at the sentiment, knowing my best friends would fight for me.

I shake my head before either can jump back in the front seat. “She’s not worth it.”

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