Page 92 of Back To You

And I didn’t expect more from myself.

Until today.

Because today is the day we bury my brother, and I will not be missing that.

I still can’t fully wrap my head around the fact Bennett is gone, half-expecting to get a text or call from him, laughing and full of life like I’ll always remember him, but the funeral makes it so real.

I’ve always prided myself on being able to always look at the bright side, something Bennett taught me, but I’ve been struggling to find it here. There’s no bright side to the world losing someone like Bennett, no silver lining in his life ending right before he could live out his thirties, doing what he wanted, finding love, spending time with the people who cared about him most.

“Ready to go?” I hear Annie say from the kitchen.

“Almost,” I croak out, my voice still sounding foreign in my ears after saying maybe a dozen words in the last seven days. I straighten my tie, giving myself a once-over in the bathroom mirror.

My face is pale, my cheekbones a little sunken in, and I look about as good as I feel, which is about as shitty as you can get. The dark circles under my eyes give away how little sleep I’ve gotten the past five days, and I just hope I can hold myself together long enough to get through the day.

“Drew, Emmett, Lennon, Mia, and Eddie will meet us there,” Annie says, peeking her head into the bathroom.She doesn’t say where “there” is, but we both know it’s the gravesite where Bennett will be buried.

She helped Caleb plan the funeral—my parents weren’t even willing to help. Losing Bennett wasn’t a priority in their lives, not since their commitment to disown him all those years ago—and it was another way she lets me lean on her in this process. I plan on thanking her when I finally get myself to sit down and voice all these thoughts and feelings I’m having.

We’re skipping what most people do at a ceremony—the welcomes, introductions, prayers, and readings—and keeping it small with the burial and a eulogy from Caleb and Bennett’s best friend. Both Caleb and I agreed we didn’t want to do an open casket, wanting to remember Bennett how we last saw him, not what he looked like in his last moments.

“The celebration of life afterward will be at Lenny’s, but we don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It’ll be us, your brother, Jack, and the crew from the fire station.”

“No,” I say quickly, “I want to go. Bennett’s life deserves a celebration.”

Annie nods, and for the first time all week, I take a second to take her all in.

Her black dress wraps around her body, half of her hair pulled back in a little black bow, the shorter pieces in front framing her face.

She’s beautiful, breathtakingly so, but she looks so tired.

I’ve barely seen her this week, only when she gets home on time from her rotations, but there have been two or three nights where she texts that she’ll be home late. I figured it was to do her charting and typing up reports she didn’t have time to do during the busy day.

“Hey, honey,” I whisper, reaching out and grazing my thumb against her cheek. “Are you okay?”

She exhales. “I’m supposed to be the one askingyouthat.”

“You look tired.”

She shakes her head, and I drop my hand back down to my side. “It’s been a busy week, but I’m fine. Areyouokay?”

“No,” I answer quickly, and she closes the space between us and wraps her arms around my waist. I rest my chin on the top of her head, inhaling her jasmine and rose scent.

“That’s okay,” she says against my chest. “I’ll be okay for the both of us.”

Chapter 37

Luke

Hate is a strong word. One I don’t use often.

I hate soggy cereal and too much cream cheese on my bagel.

I hate when people take too long in self-checkout lines at the grocery store, and when people don’t use their turn signal.

But that’s about it.

Or at least I thought that was it.

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