Page 89 of Back To You

“I’m okay,” I answer half-heartedly. It’s not a lie. I am okay, dealing with the loss of Bennett in my own way, devastated about what happened but most of those feelings are wrapped up in what I feel for Luke and how he’s feeling.

Closing the fridge, I find Mia on the other side. Her blonde hair is pulled up in a ponytail, and she’s dressed in a matching hoodie and sweatpants set. It’s early, noteven 7 a.m., but she was willing to be here until Emmett could come later.

“It’s okay if you’re not, you know,” Mia says to me, her eyes on mine.

I sigh. “I’m fine. I’m functioning. I’m just—” I pause, shaking my head, the tears from before she got here threatening to come back. “He doesn’t deserve this.” It comes out as more of a whisper.

“I know,” she replies, taking the energy drink out of my hand and setting it down on the counter next to us. She grabs my hand in hers. “It’s unfair, and it sucks, and I wish shitty things like this wouldn’t happen to the people I love.” Her hands squeeze around mine. “But he will get through this.”

Mia pulls me in for a hug, and I let my tears fall as her arms hold me tight—she’s giving me the space to fall apart, just like she promised, just like she did that day when we saw Devin in the grocery store.

“I know you’re going to want to be strong for him, Annie,” she whispers into my hair, “and I know if it were Eddie, I would do the exact same.” Her hands find my shoulder, pulling me back, so she can look me in the eyes. “But you can’t be someone’s strength when you’re at your weakest. Remember, we are all here to help.”

I shake my head slightly, turning to look at the clock behind me and seeing that I have to leave, or I’ll be late to my rotation.

I feel myself wanting to tell her that I don’t need all the help, or that I won’t for much longer. I want to tell her that I got this. I can do this. I can manage both my and Luke’s responsibilities, so he has time to process and heal.

But instead, I tell her, “I have to go.” I throw my backpack over my shoulder, walking over to the door toput on my shoes. “I don’t know if he’ll get up at all today, but text me if he does.”

Mia nods along as I fill her in on how he hasn’t eaten or drank much, but I make sure he has both water and some sort of snack on his nightstand in case he does. “He’s mostly been asleep the past 48 hours, but I don’t know how much rest he’s actually getting.”

“Don’t worry, I got him,” Mia says, before I head out the door.

Chapter 36

Luke

When I wake up, there's a minute when I feel like everything is normal.

It’s a minute where everything is okay and how it’s supposed to be.

Bennett is happy and healthy; he’s doing what he loves; he’salive.

Then, it all comes rushing back—I remember that my brother is dead.

Maybe that’s why I’m sleeping so much. Chasing that minute of blissful ignorance every chance I get, anything to make this pain that is wracking my body subside, even if it’s just a moment.

For a moment, I can forget the look on Caleb’s face when the doctor told us Bennett was dead. I can forget the sound of his muffled cries while he tried to hold back the tears, or the feeling of loss so tangible I had to look down to make sure I wasn’t just shot through the chest.

But then it registers that it wasn't just a bad dream.

Something woke me up this morning, but I couldn’t bring myself to care—maybe it was the door opening or closing, someone coming or going.

I don’t care.

I don’t want to get up to check—I don’t even want to open my eyes because even that feels like a daunting task.

I lost Bennett forty-eight hours ago, and the pain worsens with every hour that goes by.

I don’t know how people get through this. I don’t know how people find the strength to overpower their grief—it’s scary how tempting it is to let it win because at least I wouldn’t feel like this anymore and maybe I’d see my brother again.

I need another minute. Another minute where this all goes away.

And that’s the last thought I have before I drift back to sleep.

***

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask Bennett. We’re on our way to the end-of-season banquet with the rest of my hockey team and their families—most have their parents as their guests, but I have my brothers and Annie to support me. Caleb had to work, so he’s meeting us there, and Annie had an after-school rehearsal for the spring musical, so she’s already at the school waiting for us.

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