Page 31 of Beneath Her Skin

But it’s not.

She’s here. Watching.

We continue to move towards the guest bathroom, and I take a seat on the toilet, watching as Josh opens my medicine cabinet, but my mind drifts elsewhere.

"You can't be doing this to yourself. You're scaring me, Serena." My husband yells at me, "What has gotten into you lately?" His voice drops a little at the end as he places the first aid kit on the sink. "Is the medicine not working?"

I bite my lower lip, my eyes catching a glimpse of my husband’s neck, the bright red mark on it. He doesn’t even hide it anymore… he’s replacing me. I’m broken.

"Who is she?"

Rey stops, opening the bandage and looking at me. With a stern look on his face, "Who is who?" He points at the side of his head. "You aren't right up here, Serena." His face softens as he steps away and kneels in front of me to place the bandage above my eyebrow.

I can smell her on him… there’s no denying the fruity traces of the mistress’s perfume. I smell the booze, the cigar. Tears pool in my eyes as I think back on our nights.

"Who is she?" I whimper again as he places the bandage on my cut.

I got it from another fall… this time, I could hear him. I know it was him in the office, watching porn or something that sounded like it as he touched her on his desk. But I couldn’t see her face, not even when I got close. But it wasn’t real. It’s this house… this pregnancy… This marriage drives me mad.

"Serena?" Josh’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. "You okay? You left me for a moment."

His face is so close I can smell the mint of his breath, the cedar aftershave… his sweat and the lavender of the fields. How long has it been since Rey looked my way… My body moves on its own, and I press my lips against his. Through my thick lashes, I look up at Josh. His eyes are wide. Shock.

I pull away.

"I’m so sorry."

He smiles, bringing his hand to my cheek. "It’s okay. I would like to do it again," he says, leaning closer. I should back away. I should turn away. But the anger inside me takes control, the tiny voice of insecurity needing to feel reassured. Needing to feel anything but nothingness. I don’t stop him as his soft, pillowy lips press on mine, as his tongue sweeps inside, as his hand fists in my hair, pulling me toward him. My mouth moves against his… and suddenly, I’m once again a passenger in my body.

"He will kill you if he finds out about us," the woman whispers into the man’s lips.

"Let him find out. You’re not his. Your husband abandoned you… abandoned his child." His hand moves to her swollen stomach.

"But I’m still technically married," she moans, moving above him as they sit on the floor. With her on top riding him.

When suddenly, the bedroom door bursts open. Due to the darkness, I can’t make out the face, but I feel the terror. Our bodies lock up, he holds me no longer passionately but with protectiveness.

"NO," I shout, and my eyes snap open and see Josh’s eyes heavy with desire and confusion.

"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have." He begins to apologize, pulling away. "I’m so sorry, Serena."

I don’t say anything… I can’t even look at him. He’s the proof of my transgressions. The proof that I am worthless.

The voice in my head hums.

Worthless.

Whore.

Worthless.

Whore.

Bile rises in my throat. I jump up from the toilet seat and puke inside the toilet.

"Serena," he sighs as he moves closer, holding my hair and rubbing my back. "I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you." Josh immediately holds my hair as he rubs my back. Continuing to apologize over and over until I’m done puking.

And then we both sit in silence on the floor of my bathroom.

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