Page 43 of Beneath Her Skin

Injury

Blood

Cauterization

Forced Cannibalism

Murder/Death

Poisoning

Cheating

Arson

1

TIANA

They all tell me to forgive, to move on, but forgiveness feels like swallowing broken glass, and I’d rather choke on my rage than let it go.

My tía, Camila, is the only family member I can stand to talk to. She actually comes to visit me and has witnessed enough beatings and lectures to understand that I’m not crazy. The distraction she brings with her childhood stories are always a welcome reprieve from the insanity that comes with living in this house. But she loves her sister, andfamily always comes first.

Bullshit.

When has anyone in my family ever protected me? Not a soul around me listens to a word I say without laughing and brushing me off. No one cared when I finally found the courage to speak up about whatmi papaused to do to me at night when I was seven. Everyone held my mother tenderly as she blamed me for being a whore that drove our father away at age eleven. No one batted an eye when my cousin and his friend beat me up in the kitchenfor fun, then tied me down toteach me a lesson.

Although, with the stories Camila tells me, it almost seems like we have different origins. I’m sick and tired of being theblack sheep of the family, of being the joke of the party, or treated like a complete stranger by the people I grew up around. If there’s anyone I aspire to be like, it’s Camila. The stories she brings back from the places she travels to fill me with both hope and a painful ache for something that feels so out of reach for me.

Freedom.

“Yourtio,Ricardo, basically had to drag me onto the plane to come back. I wasn’t ready to leave yet!” Camila recounts her time in Iceland, having just returned from the trip yesterday.

“It sounds like a dream,tía. I would do anything for a chance to visit the next state over.”

Noting the sadness that I don’t bother hiding, she wraps an arm around me with a warm smile. “Ay, you’ll get there,mijita. You work too hard for your own good. When will it be your turn?” But she knows I have to. She knows I get no breaks, and she knows exactly why. “If you had the chance to go anywhere, tell me, where would you go?” She asks. “If money wasn’t a factor, lodging,nada de eso.”

My response is almost instant. “I would go to Europe. Anywhere in Europe, far away from here.”

Her face glows at the memories that are no doubt surfacing in her mind. The best year of her life was spent backpacking throughout the whole continent, and from the first letter she sent me, I knew I had to make it there someday.

When I got my first job at sixteen, Mama demanded I help with the bills and the groceries. Over time, she stopped asking—the money would just be missing from my bank account. Mama never needed help with the bills, she only wanted to ensure I never felt like I could make it out. Made sure I could never leave her. Misery loves company, as they say. What Mama doesn’t know is that I’ve been pocketing all my tips and taking smallamounts out of every paycheck, hiding it in boxes disguised as books.

It really hit me that I needed an escape plan when she burned all my college acceptances, claiming we couldn’t afford it—despite her being a high-profile lawyer. Her income was the only reason I didn’t qualify for a scholarship.

All my life, the second my mother discovered I had a dream, she shot down any hope in my heart. It was her mission to make me believe I wasn’t capable of doing anything.

You can’t make it on your own, Tiana. Don’t be delusional.

You would never finish college, so why try? I’m only being realistic.

Traveling the world is harder than it looks, you can’t do it.

You will never be successful. That’s just the hard truth of this world, I’m saving you from the pain.

My mother, Bianca, is the one person who sees my failures clearer than my dreams. She’s done everything in her power to hold me back. She made sure I knew there was no way out.

“There is so much to explore,” I continue, excited at the idea of exploring a new country. “I kept all your postcards! Imagine what it might be like if-”

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