Page 49 of Life After

“You have no reason to worry about me, Jen. I’m just fine.”

“Except you’re not. Your friends have cut you off because of me, haven’t they?”

Denise sat forward this time and looked Jen square in the eye. “My friends havenotcut me off. Julie is on holiday, Marg is looking after the little ones until Christina is back off a cruise with her fiancé, and Rose is not coping very well with menopause. Everyone else is not close enough to me to consider calling.”

Jen had to smile at that. They were very alike when it came to who they considered friends and who they didn’t. Denise had never been one to follow the ‘gang,’ so to speak. She preferred deep and meaningful connections. As did Jen.

“I have the night off work because I’ve just worked four straight shifts when it should have been three, with a day off in between. Stop blaming anything that happens on yourself, Jen.”

“You’re telling me the truth? You promise me?”

Denise reached out a hand and squeezed Jen’s shoulder. “I’m telling you the truth.”

“Right. Okay.” Jen relaxed back on the couch and nodded slowly. Even if her mum was lying, Jen couldn’t exactly force it out of her.

“Anyway, what’s this about Suzanne?”

Jen frowned. “Pardon?”

“You said you have enough to deal with. The Suzanne shit.”

“Yeah, um…I went over there last night after work. I had a package for her, and she asked if we could talk when I finished.” Jen ran a hand through her cropped hair. “I wasn’t going to go back, but I owed it to both of us to be upfront about prison and that.”

“Right, well, that’s a development.” Denise sat up straight and gave her full attention to Jen. “And how did it go?”

“I don’t really know. She’s sorry for the way she reacted, and she seemed pretty chilled out about it all once I’d explained everything, but then she told me she was in love with me, and I just wasn’t expecting it, Mum. I didn’t think for one second that she would tell me that. I mean, why would I?”

Denise frowned. “But this is good news, Jen. It’s great news. You’ve already told me you were falling in love with her, and now you know she feels the same way. It’s surely a good thing.”

“I know that. I just feel a little bit up in the air about it. The last time I saw her before yesterday, she was mocking me for having my belongings in a plastic bag. She called me a liar and told me she never would have asked me out for a drink if she’d known the truth. How am I supposed to just let that go and walk back into her life?”

“Well, it’s not about letting it go. It’s about forgiving her when the time feels right toyou. Not Suzanne or anyone else, butyou.”

“I hated seeing her upset. She’s always so happy and full of life.” Jen lowered her eyes and sighed. “Maybe getting involved with me again would just mess everything up. Once her friends and family find out about me—and they will—then she’s going to be going through what you did. People avoiding you because of your bastard daughter.” Jen just wanted people to live their lives. “I don’t want anyone feeling that way because of me.”

“I think that decision is Suzanne’s and hers alone. If she wants to be with you, if she wants to love you, then you can’t stop that.”

“Everything felt so good with her, Mum. Like, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to fall in love when I was released. But I did, and then it turned to shit. I can’t help but feel as though she either feels sorry for me…or she’s going to always wonder if I’m capable of hitting rock bottom again.” Jen knew anyone was capable of it, but she had put so much work into herself while she was inside. She had taken every opportunity she could to learn something in there, often spending most of her time in the library. At least if she was reading, it was keeping her mind ticking over. “I don’t know what to do for the best.”

Denise took Jen’s hands as she turned side on and faced her. “Do you love her?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Then I think you owe it to yourself to try again with her. Maybe it won’t be perfect at first, and maybe you’ll question what she’s thinking of you, but maybe those things won’t happen. You won’t know that unless you give it a chance, my love.”

Jen wanted to give it a chance. Right now, she wanted to be with Suzanne while they got to know one another all over again. Jen’s mind just wanted to punish her a while longer first. “You know, when my release date was set, I did everything I could in the weeks leading up to it to find the right headspace. I knew what coming out would look like for me, and for the most part, it’s been absolutely true. I’ve lost a lot of people who meant so much to me. I’ve lost precious time with Toby because his dad wants to protect him.” Jen squeezed her mum’s hand. “As it stands, you’re the only person I really have who has stood by me and believed I could be the better version of myself again. You’re the only person who has recognised the work I put in to be better. But Suzanne never knew the old me. She only knowsthisme. The person Iwantto be.” Jen scoffed. “Sure, I’d like a better job and a friend or two, but what I had with her the first time around was so good that I’m worried we won’t have it again.”

“She made you happy, Jen.”

“She made me far more than happy, Mum. She made me feel as though I had a life. She made me realise that I did deserve a second chance to make things right. Todoright.” Jen looked up at the ceiling and blinked away tears. “I don’t want to be a charity case, and I fear that’s exactly what will happen if I go back over there and agree to try again.”

“So, have this conversation with her. Tell her what you expect moving forward. I can guarantee she’s worried too and probably doesn’t want you to feel the way you’re feeling now.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

Denise dipped her head and smiled. “Do the right thing, love. Go and be bloody happy.”

“You think I can be?” Jen knew she could, but she wanted her mum to confirm it. “You really think I can make something of myself this time and have a meaningful relationship with Suzanne?”

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