Page 52 of Life After

Suzanne excused herself for a moment and walked Tracy to the door. She didn’t need to explain why she wanted to be alone with Jen; her best friend would understand. “I’ll call you, okay?”

Tracy nodded as she stepped out of the house. “I know you will. I just hope you can both work everything out. You deserve to be happy, love.”

Suzanne leant against the doorframe as she watched Tracy leave. She sighed, wrapped her arms around herself, and braced herself for whatever was going to come next. But mostly, she would remind herself that Jen had come back…and that had to mean something.

Jen exhaleda calming breath as she took a seat on the couch and figured out everything she wanted to say in her head. Things weren’t okay, not really, but she hoped they would be in the near future. She hoped that Suzanne would forget about the information she had learned recently and continue to see the Jen she had known from day one. Whether that was possible remained to be seen, but Jen felt slightly positive about it. Tracy seemed happy enough to bump into her, so that was something.

“Did you want something to eat?” Suzanne asked as she came into the living room, her nerves showing once again. “You probably haven’t eaten since you finished work.”

“I’ve eaten. Mum has a habit of making sure dinner is on the table the moment I put my key in the door.” Jen had enjoyed a chicken casserole tonight. Just what she needed while her life felt uncertain again. Comfort food. “It’s something she’s been doing since I came home.”

“Your mum sounds very sweet.” Suzanne hesitated between the kitchen and the living room. “Can I get you anything at all?”

“Come and sit down. You look as though you’re about to either run out the door…or have a breakdown.” Jen didn’t want either of them to feel hesitant moving forward. She hated seeing Suzanne so vulnerable in her own home. Jen never wanted that.

Suzanne wrung her hands as she smiled weakly and moved further into the living room. “I’m sorry. I’m worried I’m going to do or say the wrong thing to make you leave again.”

Jen took Suzanne’s hand and pulled her down beside her. “That’s not going to happen. In fact, I’m almost certain none of this would have happened if we’d talked about it the day you found out.”

“I take full responsibility for that.” Suzanne shook her head as she cast her gaze on their hands in Jen’s lap. “I’ve been so fucking stupid.”

“You were looking out for yourself. That’s not stupid. It’s sensible.”

Suzanne scoffed. “But I lost you because of it.”

Jen didn’t want to dwell on the last couple of weeks. Sure, she had things she wanted to say and some questions she wanted to ask, but ultimately, the past was gone now. Suzanne knew the truth, Jen didn’t feel so caught up in trying to keep it to herself, and now she hoped her life would start to change all over again. “Things happen, okay? What’s important is that we’re here having this conversation now.”

Suzanne gazed back at Jen, the smallest smile visible on her lips. “I can’t believe you’re here. I didn’t think for one moment that you would come back once you’d processed the things I said to you last night.”

“You told me you’re in love with me, Suzanne. Unless you didn’t mean it, I’d be a fool tonotcome back.” Jen squeezed Suzanne’s hands and smiled. “In those weeks leading up to you finding out the truth, I was going over it all in my head. You know, when would be the right moment to tell you I was falling for you? The day I came here…when Tracy was leaving, it had been on my mind all morning. We’d spent the weekend together, we’d hada lotof fun, and it just…felt like the right time for me. That night…I was going to tell you.”

Suzanne rolled her lips inward and exhaled a deep breath. “I wish you had.”

“I couldn’t. You’d just opened the door to me and turned your back. No matter how much I wanted you to know how I felt about you, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you to think I was saying it to win you over. When the time was right, I wanted you to believe me wholeheartedly.”

Suzanne nodded slowly. “I understand that. I probably would have kept it to myself, too.”

“I…do love you. I’m…inlove with you.” Jen studied Suzanne’s face as she said that. If there was a hint of her not believing Jen, if there was even a doubt in Suzanne’s mind as to who Jen was, then Jen needed to know. She needed to be sure that this would be right the second time around. Only as she stared back at Suzanne, Jen couldn’t read her. Not even a little. “I just don’t know if you believe me.”

“I do believe you.” Suzanne shifted closer and brought a hand to Jen’s cheek. “I have so much making up to do, so many ways I need to change, but I do believe you.”

Jen frowned. “Change?”

“The way I spoke to you…treated you that night,” Suzanne said, pausing. “That’s not me, Jen. I didn’t recognise the woman making snarky comments at you.”

“Can we move on from that night? From the things Tracy told you? Can we…just be us again?” Jen couldn’t believe just how much Suzanne had changed her life in the months they’d spent together. Every morningactuallyfelt like a new day rather than the same shit rolled over. That was all Jen needed if this was to continue. For nothing to change between them. “I don’t want to keep going over it. I’m sick of it ruling my life.”

“I’m sorry.” Suzanne squeezed Jen’s hand.

“It’s okay. I’m just ready to put it out of my mind now. I’ve spent so long feeling terrible about not telling you that it seems as though it’s aged me ten years.”

“I admire you for protecting yourself. I really do.”

“Had it been anyone else, I probably would have just come clean there and then. But it wasn’t just anyone else. It was you, and I couldn’t risk losing you. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again because of stupid mistakes I’d made in the past. I warred with myself almost daily in the beginning, but after a couple of weeks, you made me forget what I’d gone through last year. I didn’t feel like Jen Fletcher…ex-prisoner. I just felt like myself. Before I lost Ruby, and everything fell apart.”

“I-I made you feel that way?” Suzanne’s brows rose.

“You did.” No matter what happened from this moment on, Jen would always appreciate what Suzanne had done for her. Even without her knowing it. “I left as you’d asked me to so I didn’t lose those eight weeks of memories with you. Instead of reminding myself of how much you hated me that night, I chose to remember how happy you’d made me feel. The laughter we’d shared. The dinners and the walks in the park. Just…everything other than that night.”

---