Page 134 of Even Beneath the Stars

Her lips part, first in surprise, then pressing together as hurt flickers across her face like dying embers of something that used to be warm. Her fingers tighten around the phone, then she murmurs, "Uh, Mom, I’m gonna call you back."

Our gazes hold, and in that one second, I can’t tell what I hate more—the way she looks at me like she still cares, or the moment she remembers she doesn’t anymore.

Her back straightens, her features sharpening into something unreadable."What?"she bites out.

I shake my head, rub the back of my neck. "Nothing… I just—I mean…" My throat works around the words that feel pointless now.

"What, Xave?" she asks, jaw clenched. "What do you want?"

I exhale sharply and try again. "Just… you're right." My voice is quieter than I meant it to be. "About me. The things you were saying to your mom. You're right." I swallow, forcing myself to hold her gaze. "Still, I’m sorry." I push out a breath, rub my thumb along my lip. "But you knew, Maggs… You just said it.You fucking knew I'd disappoint you." I drag my hand through my hair; shake my head. "So then,why?Why the fuck would you even…" My words trail off and my jaw clenches. My voice finds solid ground again when I repeat, "You. Fucking. Knew."

Her anger flickers, falters. Confusion threads into the hurt. Her lips part like she’s about to say something. But I push off the wall and turn before she can, before I can see if the words would have saved me or finished me off entirely.

Swallowing down the raw edge of hurt clawing its way up my throat, I straighten my shoulders, school my expression into something blank, something unreadable, then head back towards the stairs. I inhale deeply, and let apathy rise up to cover the cracks.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Maggie

You fucking knew I'd disappoint you.

Those words, uttered in a hollowed-out voice, make sense of everything now. And I can't believe I didn't see it before—the obvious way Xavier has been pushing me away because, in his mind, I was always going to leave him anyway. It's what his parents did… a string of nannies when he was a kid… so many people he was attached to turned from him the moment things got messy, or he didn't fulfill whatever role he was expected to live up to.

But couldn't he tell I was different? Thatwewere different, together?

His close friends—Seb, and Scarlett, and Jackie—they didn’t turn away, and he let them in. Why couldn’t he let me be like one of them?

But then, I guess those friendships don't require the same level of vulnerability I'm asking of him. They take Xave as he is and accept there's a limit to how much of his walls he's willing to let down. And that he's far more comfortable being there for others than allowing others to be there for him. I'm not sure his friends even realize what that wall is shielding them from. That it's his shame he's hiding. Heavy and oppressive, consuming him beneath the easy swagger, and confidence, and laid-back demeanor.

But this thing with us—the relationship we've started—it's an unchartered level of vulnerability for him, because Iampushing him to lower the wall. To reveal the shame. To share parts of himself that probably feel like ripping off years of carefully sealed protective layers.

More vulnerability and more trust means more risk. And more damage. Because, in his world, taking risks is met with shunning and mockery.

So, I have a feeling it's like muscle memory for him at this point: push before you’re pushed. Leave before you’re left. Just because there have been a couple of exceptions, doesn’t mean it isn’t a pattern. I mean, God—I watched him do it the entire first few weeks I was hired as Finn's nanny. Knew the pattern of him doing it for years before that.Even witnessed the way he internalized his father’s words—words he’d obviously heard a hundred times before. And that have fossilized into truth for him over time.

It's so obvious now, what he was doing last night, reverting to the shallowest version of himself—testing, consciously or not, if he was right. If he is worth staying for. Or if he is the disappointment he truly believes himself to be.

My mom got really annoyed with me when I told her Xavier Rockwell wasn't capable of loving, pointedly asking me what he's like with his brother. And she's right, I have never seen a guy love anyone as fiercely as Xave loves Finny. Then to double-down, she asked if he takes me on dates or plans special outings for me, asked me how I'd come to learn so much about astronomy. Because she already knew the answer.

Xave is stellar at loving people—he just believes he isn't. Just like he believes he isn't capable of being loved. And I reinforced those feelings even more.

But I'm determined to change that.

And I hope more than anything that I'm not too late.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Maggie

Xavier refuses to talk to me. Or see me. He's closed the door on our relationship. On me. And won't even open it a crack, not even enough for me to wedge in a sliver of reason that might then stretch into a full conversation.

He has the uncanny ability to not be around any time I'm at the estate. He's even found a way around bedtimes with Finn, bringing Finny into his room for their nightly hangout when he's around. Or he'll take Finn on outings, if he's got time to hang with him in the afternoons or weekends.

Not that he's got much time to spare these days.

The good news is, at least he hasn't been throwing any more of those stupid parties. As far as I can tell, anyway. Instead, any scraps of free time that he spends at home when he isn't hanging out in his room or outside with Finn, he spends sequestered up in the Observatory.

I tried going up to talk to him one night. He glanced up from his spot on the floor, silencing the chords with a palm against the strings, and told me he was busy. Then got up and closed the door in my face.

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