Page 106 of Even After Sunset

“Oh. You’re okay though?”

“Definitely.”

“Well, I think it’s wonderful that living with Meryl Pemrose allowed you to discover your passion for baking,” she continues, oblivious to the epic breakdown going on inside my head. “I actually contacted her for a quote for this article and what she said connects so well to that—pursuing something in your life that brings you joy.”

I bring my glass up to my lips and take two large gulps of water. My mouth is so, so dry right now.

Cynthia picks her phone up from the table and swipes it a few times. “Here it is! Here’s the quote Meryl gave me that relates so perfectly to what we’re talking about. I just love it!”

And then she reads:

“The one thing I want for Jackie is for her to live a life that is fulfilling—whether that be baking or writing or teaching or anything else that brings her joy and makes her feel whole and alive. As long as she remains true to herself, then I’ll be happy.”

I nod slowly. Probably looking back at her with a stupid, dazed look on my face, because the realization is sinking in deeper: I’m not being true to myself at all. I enjoy baking because it makes me feel closer to Meryl, but the activity itself doesn’t bring me joy.

I got it all wrong.

I got everything so horribly wrong: my reason for starting this whole cookie business, my insistence that my success as a baker would reflect my success in Meryl and Richard’s eyes… And also the way I reacted when Silas tried to point this out to me. I dismissed him every single time he brought up the notion that I might be pursuing a goal for all the wrong reasons. Because he realized, clearly before I did, that my real passion is designing book covers. And he did everything he could to allow me more time to focus on that.

He just wanted me to be true to myself.

Like Meryl does. And Richard. The people who love me the most in the world. I had the audacity to jump down his throat when he offered me advice on one single issue—when I got annoyed at him every other day for not listening enough tomyadvice on a million different issues. And when he actually tried to make changes based on my advice.

I feel like such a hypocrite.

After I found him that day passed out on my bed, I thought the whole road trip became about me needing to fix him.

I didn’t realize that I needed fixing, too.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Jackie

As soon as I finish the interview, I get on the phone to Richard and Meryl. I feel like I’ve been misleading them for years; making them believe that I have the same passion for baking that Meryl does and that it’s what I want to do as a career for the rest of my life—and I need to come clean. Now that I realize how misguided I’ve been these past few years, I feel a sudden sense of urgency to clear up the past so that I can move on and dive headfirst into the things that really excite me.

I can’t decide if it makes me feel worse or better that Meryl is thrilled by my revelation. Which, I come to find out, isn’t even a huge revelation to her or Richard. Apparently, they’ve known for years that I don’t love baking; they were just waiting for me to figure it out for myself. They were hoping this road trip would help me come to that realization, and help me get closer to figuring out what does bring me true joy. Either way, I feel a huge sense of relief after I hang up. I feel like a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

This is what Meryl must have meant in that quote, about being true to yourself. You know you’re being true to yourself when it feelsright.

I sit down at my computer, and before even opening Photoshop or CreatHire or anything else; I write an email to Silas. I know he won’t write back, but that’s not why I’m emailing. I’m emailing to apologize. And also because he didn’t give up on me, even when I kept rejecting his observations about my misguided goals. So I’m certainly not going to give up on him just because I know he’s going to reject my email. I’m still going to send it. And then another one after that. And then another one.

I even made a playlist for him which I attach a link to in the email. Even though I know hedefinitelywon’t listen to that.

After I’ve clicked “send”, I put on my favorite playlist and blast it full volume—the one that’s a mix of Haim and Taylor Swift and Annie Lennox and Joan Jett. My Powerhouse Girl mix that always inspires me and puts me in the mood todosomething—to be creative and driven and energized.

It works: my mood right now is all of those things.

I make a list, so that I can get all the thoughts flying around inside my head flattened out on paper. Also, because making lists is one of my favorite things to do.

Jackie’s End Of Summer List Of Things To Do

Create cover design schedule for the rest of the summer

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