Radmir confessed his love for me. He opened his heart and poured it out in a mix of rage and desperation and even though I knew it was a terrible idea—I did the same.
We collided and fell into each other and I don’t think I will ever be the same again after that.
How could I not?
How could I not confess that I love him too?
When he told me he was in love with me, every ounce of denial I’ve been holding onto disintegrated. It vanished, washed away in a tidal wave of relief and hope and a dream of what my life could be like with him. An unrealistic dream.
It was beautiful.
It was deep and intimate and…
It was terrifying.
Once the intensity of the moment slammed into my heart and then slowly started to settle again, when I was locked in his embrace after the passion had concluded and I could almost breathe again.
I shattered inside.
Because what right do I have to be in love with him?
And how would he ever continue to love me if he knew who I really was?
I almost confessed everything, leaning against his chest, with my heart in my hands and tears on my cheeks. I almost told him the truth and then I was going to beg him to forgive me.
But I couldn’t find the words.
I couldn’t get them out of my throat and into the world.
They were trapped inside me just like the poison of my own guilt, festering and bleeding out, edging me closer to oblivion.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, late in the afternoon, not knowing what to do with myself—I am fidgeting with my phone.
I want to quiet my thoughts so I can think clearly for just a few minutes so I can do what I have to do.
I want to call Andrei and tell him there is no way that I can go ahead with this anymore. But how do I explain my choice?
And what about the promises I made to the Enzo family? What about my duty to my family, and my brothers’ revenge? All of these things are weighing heavily on me, but the most clarifying thought I have right now, sitting in the late afternoon sun as it spreads it’s winter rays over the bedding—I know I love Radmir.
I love him and in this moment that is all that matters.
So, regardless of how scary it is to let other people down—itiswhat is going to happen. As soon as I pluck up the courage to make the call.
I flip my phone over in my hands, again and again.
Just dial the number.
Or send a message. Either way. Do something.
Chewing at the inside of my cheek I push myself—encourage myself to be brave, but I’m not brave at all about this.
I don’t want to lose Radmir. I don’t want the Enzo family to think I am a traitor, even though that is exactly what I am. From all sides.
No matter which angle I come at this problem from, Radmir is going to hate me when he finds out.
My phone rings and I practically throw it across the room I get such a terrible fright. A jarring sound breaks through the silence in a shrill, unwelcome song—one I chose. A song I like.
I toss my phone in the air and then hurry to catch it again.