Page 111 of Even in the Dark

Makes him freeze in his seat, controller still in his hand. “Shit, man, I should’ve thought about that.” He looks over at me, like he’s studying me or something. “I feel like a fuckin’ tool,” he says. “I’m so sorry, man.”

I tell him it isn’t a big deal. And he keeps saying he feels bad.

I feel like an asshole for making him feel bad. And like a pussy in front of this guy I basically just met a few weeks ago.

None of this shit is as easy as Morley made it sound like it would be.

I make up some lame excuse about forgetting that Phil asked me to help him with something this afternoon, just so I can getthe hell out of here. Then Silas tells me about his parents. The stuff that happened to them. How he still gets nightmares. Had them for years and it’s why he started drinking when he was just twelve or thirteen. Because it was the only way he could fall asleep without waking up freaking out and in a sweat.

I pretend to get a text from Phil saying he doesn’t need my help until later.

We play Rocket League. Silas kicks my ass.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Scarlett

Iwasn’t sure what to expect from Carter’s reason for wanting to talk. I had imagined a lot of scenarios, but this was not one of them. Honestly, I was hoping he was calling to apologize.

He wants me to sign a waiver of prosecution.

Carter got a conditional acceptance to Yale and one of the conditions is he needs a clean criminal record, so he’s worried about the possibility of me placing charges against him at some point in the next six years, when the statute of limitations apparently kicks in.

And he does apologize, but not for the reasons I was assuming. “I’m really sorry,” he says, “for bringing this up now, and making it so formal and everything. It’s just, I can’t risk this acceptance. It’s a huge deal… It’s fucking Yale, man. I can’t have anything mess this up.”

Okay, wow—so this is all about him, then. It never occurred to me that something he did tomecould ever be flipped into the negative implications it could have forhim.

“Gee. I’m so sorry you filming me topless and then leaking it to all your friends, and likely the entire internet at large—might inconvenience you with your college application. How horrible that must be for you.”

He sighs. “Come on… Don’t be like that, man. That’s not what I’m saying,” he backpedals. “I know what I did was shitty…Reallyshitty. And I swear to God I wish I could take it back. But I can’t. And I appreciate that you haven’t talked about it at all since then or anything, and—”

“Yes, because the reason I haven’t talked about it is in consideration of your feelings,” my voice drips with sarcasm.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t…” he backpedals. Again. “Look, you’re twisting my words. I know it isn’t about me. I get that. I get that it’s something I did to you, and that was shitty foryou.And a hundred percent my fault. But it still doesn’t change the fact that this shitty thing I did—that was totally wrong, yeah—but that I did when I was sixteen and at a horrible place in my life… it could affect my entire future, too. And I feel like a shithead asking you to sign this form. But I kind of have to.” He sighs again. Pauses. “And if there’s something I can do for you that makes anything about what I did less shitty for you—like, in whatever way it affects you—then I will do that.”

“You could apologize! How about that? You could have done it two years ago—any time over the past several hundred whatever-the-hell days!”

“I was embarrassed. And so fucking ashamed… I thought you knew that.”

“No, Carter. I didn’t.”

“Well, I was,” he says. “I am.”

“And yet you didn’t even have the balls to get past yourembarrassmentto let me know that? Like your embarrassment trumped mine? My humiliation and anger and self esteem.My sense of control.”

“I wanted to. I was going to, a couple months later. But then, I figured… you know, it was in the past and you’d moved on and stuff.”

Freakingseriously?

“You thought I’d just moved on from it intwo months?That something like that just stays in the past? That I’d just, what? Forget about it? “

“Well… yeah. I, uh… I kind of did. And I mean, when I texted you the other day, you didn’t even remember who I was, so…”

“I was lying!” I yell. “Because it was humiliating enough two years ago, the way you were able to make me feel so powerless. I sure as hell didn’t want you creeping back on the scene and making me feel that way all over again. And the only way I could think to do that was to make you think what you did hadn’t affected me. That I forgot who you even were.” I roll my eyes, even though he obviously can’t see me. “But believe me, Carter, I remembered. IwishI could have forgotten.”

“Shit… I didn’t know. I didn’t realize it still upset you.”

“There is a video of me, topless and flashing my tits like some kind of porn star or something—out there in the universe, for the rest of eternity, Carter! Thatyouput out there! And that might pop up whenIapply to colleges, or for my dream job someday, or when my future husband is surfing the net! Or my futurekids!So yeah, it still fuckingupsetsme! It will alwaysupsetme.”

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