Page 112 of Even in the Dark

There’s total silence after that. And finally, “I am so sorry, Scarr. I…” He sounds like he’s crying. “I never thought about that. I never… It never occurred to me it was like that for you. That it’s never over. How it could affect all that stuff… I’m so fucking sorry.”

Now I'm crying, too. I don't say anything. Just concentrate on breathing normally so Carter won't be able to tell.

“I'm a fucking idiot," he practically whispers. "I never thought... I just—I figured it was one shitty thing that we’d dealtwith and moved on from.” He inhales, and his breath sounds shaky, too. “Which, yeah, was really stupid of me… And makes me even more of an asshole. And…fuck!" Another pause. "Then I go and ask you to sign a stupid fucking form to… Look, I'm sorry, Scarr. About asking you to sign that thing.” He clears his throat. "Look, I'll let you go. And I promise I won't contact you again." Then he repeats, "I'm really fucking sorry. I—"

"I can't sign the form, Carter." I cut him off. "But I can promise you that as long as this is it—as long as it doesn’t come up that you did this to some other girl… in the past or in the future—then I give you my word that I won’t press charges against you.”

Another silence.

“Yeah… Okay.” He clears his throat. “I get that… That’s cool. I mean, thank you.”

“Okay.”

“I really am sorry, Scarlett.”

“Yeah, well, just… Don’t ever do anything like that again. Even if it’s some girl you hate or whatever. Don’t. It’s permanent. And it’s horrible.”

“I swear, I would never… Ihaven’tever done anything like that since then. Shit, I was so ashamed. I felt like the biggest lowlife.”

“Youwerethe biggest lowlife.”

There's another long silence and I hear him swallow. “Thanks for talking to me, Scarr. And tell that guy from the bonfire—the Maytag Kid… Tell him—"

"His name's Dylan."

"Okay. Tell him I’m sorry I was a jackass. I didn’t get why he was being such a dick to me. But I get it now.” He lets out a breath. “Should have let him throw another couple punches.”

“You probably should have."

“Okay. Take care, Scarr.”

“Yeah, take care… Good luck at Yale.”

I hang up then stare out at the backyard from my window seat, feeling a little empty. But in a good way. There were things I said to Carter I’ve wanted to say since that summer. Some things I never even knew I felt.

And I believe Carter, that he truly didn’trealize the far-reaching effects or the gravity of his actions from that one day. And I dothink he’s sorry. It doesn’t diminish what a shitty thing it was that he did. But the conversation did make mefeelless shitty about it. I feel a little lighter. A lot more in control. It means something to me that I was able to have my say. It means even more to me that, once Carter understood the meaning behind my words, I was heard. I think really, that’s what I wanted the most.

Chapter Forty

Scarlett

"This shit is insane." Dylan mumbles, loud enough that only I can hear. We're at Xave's place with a few other people, checking out the remote control car racetrack he and a couple of the estate's grounds crew built in a covered arena that was originally intended for indoor horse-riding lessons when Xave was a kid. Only he had no interest in horse-back riding. Or horses, even. So the arena was mostly left empty over the years, except for the few times it was used for parties. And now, apparently, it's become a space for Xave to build an expansive racetrack for the handful of souped up RC cars he bought for him and his brother.

"You mean, you've never hung out at a friend's private RC racetrack arena before?" I joke. Dylan responds with a sound that's a cross between a huff and a grunt. He's into it, though, despite himself. He's already joined in two races and I'm pretty sure he's waiting to play the winners of the last six races. A list ofpeople which won't include me. I lost all three races I took part in. Almost totalled Xave's favorite car.

Someone whoison that list?

Caroline Heinz. Much to everyone's surprise. Turns out she's been hiding a mad talent for RC racing. And Seb couldn't be prouder. He's bounding around the arena whooping and cheering lines like, "That is how it'sdone,bitches!" and "Lightning McQueen is in the house ya'll!"

"Yeah, Lightning McQueen is in the house!" Finn parrots, jumping up and down beside Seb. Finn idolizes him almost as much as he idolizes his brother.

Seb picks him up and swings him onto his shoulders. "You're gonna want a good view to witness my girl leaving your bro in the dust, Finny Boy."

Finn squeals with laughter as Seb sets him on his shoulders, striding closer to the edge of the track. "Hey, Xave!" Finn calls to his brother. "Caroline is gonna leave you in the dust! She's Lightning McQueen!"

"Oh yeah?" Xave glances over at his brother, hands poised on the remote controller, ready to race. "We'll see about that." His tongue swipes along his top lip and he bites down lightly on it, then turns to Caroline. "You are goingdown."

"We'll see," Caroline responds in her usual quiet voice. Only there's more power behind it than there used to be. A hint of playfulness she never would have used with any of these people a couple of months ago, before she became the center of Seb's world. She seems genuinely happy. And also—makes Xave eat his words, because she does end up leaving him in the dust. Dylan, too. He gets eliminated in the latest heat, or whatever you call a series of RC car races. He wanders back over to join me along the low wall bordering the edge of the arena, ignoring the way a couple of girls against the opposite wall track his movements, drinking him in like he's an expensive delicacy.There isn't that same tension in his body that used to accompany his awareness of the stares he draws wherever he goes. He settles on the ground beside me, leaning up against the rustic wood-panelling, one leg bent, the other leg kicked out in front of him.

---