Page 78 of Even in the Dark

I nod. “Do you sometimes think that maybe we’re not exactly… compatible?” I ask, and again, I can see I’ve taken him bysurprise. To be fair, these are not exactly one-month anniversary date conversation starters I’m throwing at him. But I don’t think I can carry on with this charade. It feels more ridiculous now than convenient. And a waste of both of our time. I’m sure he’d be much happier out with his buddies at some party right now. And I’d be much happier… well, I already said what I’d be much happier doing. And that’s not something I want to contemplate any more while I’m sitting here with Gavin. Essentially, breaking up with him on a fancy dinner date.

“Of course we’re compatible. We’re perfect together.”

“Why?”

He laughs. One of those uncomfortable laughs. “What’s all this about, babe?” His eyebrows dip inwards. “Are you upset about something, or having second thoughts about us or…” His voice trails off.

I swallow, because I do feel bad for hitting him with this right now. I suck at these things. But I’m confident now that it’s less cruel to do this than to keep stringing him along. We’re practically adults; I don’t know why I ever felt it was right for two grown people to be in a relationship for anything other than authentic reasons. All it does is make me feel worse about myself. And although I’m not sure if this thing we’re doing makes Gavin feel bad about himself, I’m pretty confident it isn’t adding to his life in any sort of meaningful way. Other than the perks that come along with being my boyfriend, I mean.

“I guess… Yes. I guess I am having second thoughts,” I say, fumbling my words in a way I’m not used to. Because I’m not used to doing anything without meticulously planning it out beforehand. “I’m sorry… It’s crappy of me to bring this up now. But I wasn’t sure until just now that I don’t feel right doing this anymore. And I want to be honest with you.”

He doesn’t say anything, so just to be sure I’m making sense, I add, “I think we should just be friends.”

“You’re seriously fucking friend-zoning me on our one-month anniversary date?” he asks, unfortunately just as our server shows up to ask if we’d like dessert.

“No dessert, thanks,” Gavin says with a bite to his voice. “My date has apparently had her fill.”

He’s being a jerk… and kind of childish, but I can’t be mad at him for that either. He has every right to be annoyed at me for breaking up with him tonight of all nights. “I’ll take the bill,” I tell the server. “Thank you.”

That just annoys Gavin even more. “I can get the fucking bill.”

“I know,” I tell him. “But I want to.”

“Um… I’ll leave you two to settle things while I ring up your bill, then,” the server says. Poor guy looks more uncomfortable than Gavin looked when I said I wanted to break up.

Which, in itself, says a lot about how little this is really affecting him. I’m pretty sure his pride is more hurt over this than his heart. Our hearts were never part of the equation to begin with. And that, I guess, is the real reason it always seemed so appealing to me.

Yet weirdly, the same reason it’s so un-appealing to me now.

When I get to my car, I notice a text that came in,which I didn’t notice during the meal with Gavin.The breakup.

Holy crap.I broke up with Gavin.

And I feel lighter. Almost buoyant. A little more like my old self, which I assumed for the past two years would be a bad feeling. But it’s the opposite.

And I’m sure now it was the right thing to do.

I click on the text. And just like that, my mood changes. My chest feels heavy. The chicken and garlic mashed potatoes feel heavy in my stomach. Everything just suddenly feelsheavy.

Carter

gonna be in Sandy Haven next wkd. c u then

Chapter Twenty-Six

Scarlett

Iignored the text from Carter last night, so it’s the first thing I deal with when I wake up this morning. My reply is brief and vague, yet dismissive.

Scarlett

Not sure what my plans are yet. TL

Then I refuse to think about it anymore. I decide to go to Jays instead. Dylan is missing issues ten and thirteen from theSleepwalkerseries, and I’m at a stand-still. Jays definitely has issue ten in stock, because I called and checked. So, after showering, I text Dylan to see if he wants to join me. I spent about half an hour deliberating whether to text him and another ten minutes after that deliberating whether it was the right call. I’m so aware now of overstepping or making him uncomfortable.

In the end, it turns out texting him was the wrong call, because he doesn’t even respond. And no response is even worse thana terse “no, I’m good.” Now I’m left feeling pushy and needy, which is not a way I am used to feeling. I am the cool, stand-offish one in most of my relationships. And definitely not the girl who is overly concerned about how my actions might affect a guy. Then along comes Dylan Braun, and here I am grappling with all these emotions I haven’t felt in years. Over stupid things like pine nut muffins and comics and a one-line text.

We’re into the cool side of fall now, so I pull on a matching hat and gloves before stepping out of the car and trekking through the historic pedestrian area to get to Jays.I stop in at the Jumpin’ Bean on the way to get a large French vanilla latte to go, then take my time wandering up gently sloping Larimer Lane—the street Jays is on. With just a little imagination, it’s easy to pretend you’re on some windy street in a quaint little village in France or Italy. Until the February snowstorms hit—then it feels definitively like small-town New England.

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