Page 21 of Even in the Dark

I explained to Dylan’s father (Philip) that, compared to PTSD (which he had heard of), C-PTSD is linked to ongoing trauma as opposed to one single incident, and is characterized by a more extensive set of symptoms. I informed him we may need to keep some sessions shorter and adapt their duration to Dylan’s mood and how he handles heavier topics as they come up.

My initial observations on Dylan are as follows:

Dylan has an acute tendency to retreat from psychological pain and vulnerability, using avoidance as a defense against traumatic distress. This coping mechanism exhibits itself in the way Dylan sometimes pretends the trauma he’s experienced hasn’t affected him to any significant degree and/or minimizes the damaging and hurtful experiences of his past. Painful anecdotes are often discussed in an emotionally detached manner, often using the pronoun “you” instead of “I” when he recounts anything from his past (ex: when asked how he felt about his kidnapper not allowing him to ask anything about his mother growing up, Dylan’s response was: “It wasn’t a big deal. You just dealt with it.”)

Feelings of shame and disillusionment cause Dylan to sometimes hide any effects or details of his traumatic past, even regarding his kidnapper. When touched upon, Dylan often attempts to explain/dismiss/marginalize his treatment under Eli’s care. As is common in cases of this type, Dylan wavers between feelings of betrayal and anger towards his abuser—and wanting to protect him, still viewing him at times as his real “father” figure.

Because Dylan grew up not being able to trust his primary caregiver, out of necessity/survival, he compensated by becoming fully self-reliant. In a case like this one, it is normal for a child to grow up viewing his self-reliance as a strength and any dependency or placing of trust in others as a weakness. As such, Dylan views his entire world in black and white, seeing people as either strong or weak. Anyone showing vulnerabilities = weak. Anyone closed-off and self-reliant (such as himself) = strong.

Focus of sessions in the next few weeks will be on slowly posing questions to Dylan about his past.Howhe answers those questions is not important at this stage, as the intent ofthe questioning is merely to nudge him into thinking about his ingrained assumptions related to his trauma, and for him to start analyzing them, even if he ends up only doing so on his own time, outside of therapy.

Chapter Nine

Scarlett

Seb’s in hospital.

His secret’s out now, at least. His parents know. Everyone knows. They’re keeping him in hospital for a while and I can’t imagine how stir-crazy that’s going to make him. But it’s Seb—he’ll bounce back. He has to. Bouncing is kind of his default setting. If Seb was a cartoon character, he would be Tigger.

He’s pretty out of it when I visit him; I doubt he’ll remember I was even there. I’m still glad I came, though, and grateful Seb’s parents think enough of me (and my friendship with Seb) to put me on the eight-person maximum visitor list.

Jackie Delaney made the cut, too. I know this because she comes over to me in the waiting room, just after leaving Seb’s private room, following her own brief visit. Jackie and I were best friends in middle school. But she looks me over now almost cautiously, before taking a seat next to me. It’s weird being just the two of us in the same room. We used to do sleepovers all the time, studied together, talked about boys and insecurities andwhat life would be like in high school. There was an assumption we’d be experiencing all of those things together. That we would always be close. And then grade nine happened. And Carter Beaumont and his minions. And the re-inventing of my entire personality.

The thought of Jackie, of all people, finding out about what happened, made me want to curl up and die. Because it’s the kind of situation Jackie would never let herself get into. And although I knew she would be nothing but supportive if she found out, there’s no way she could still respect me. So, I locked her out before that humiliation could ever happen. And while she tried to salvage the friendship, her concern was no match for my dogged determination. So, Jackie Delaney and I are not close anymore. Some of our social circles overlap and we still see each other at school and parties and gatherings and stuff. We’re still on friendly terms, but that’s it. We’re acquaintances now.

And secretly, I miss her.

I miss how easy our friendship was. How much it filled me up. And I have no idea why I’m even letting these kinds of thoughts into my head. Thoughts seeped in emotions heavy enough to drag me right off the top-step perch I need to be on to oversee and orchestrate how the world plays out around me. It’s a precarious spot up here. Seemingly more so lately than it ever has been. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

“How are you doing?” Jackie asks, large brown eyes meeting mine. “I know you and Seb are really tight.”

It’s obvious she still cares about me, even if she doesn’t like me anymore. And God, that makes it so much worse.

“I’m good, yeah.” My gaze slides to Seb’s closed door. “He’s going to be fine.”

There is no alternative to Seb being okay, so it’s the response I’m sticking with. And I breathe a sigh of relief when Jackie nods.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s Seb, right? He couldn’t bear going more than a couple of days without pulling some crazy stunt or getting into some kind of trouble.”

I laugh. I’m touched Jackie is being so nice, no matter how much harder her kindness makes it to be cold and bitchy and me. But then, Jackie Delaney is the kind of girl who’s nice to everyone. She didn’t have to go out of her way to come over and check in with me, though. There is literally no one else around right now to witness her walk away with just a brief nod, if that’s what she wanted to do. Except for the dour-faced nurse over at reception who keeps darting disapproving scowls our way, like she expects us to cause trouble for her any second. In her defense, she’s been dealing with Seb, and she knows we’re his friends. I can’t blame her for assuming we might be even half as much trouble as he can be.

“A bunch of people are coming to hang at my place later, if you want to come,” Jackie says, looking genuinely hopeful that I’ll take her up on the offer. But I’m pretty sure I’d get the same feeling hanging out with Jackie and her friends as I did with Seb and Caroline the other evening. Like a poser. The fake girl in a room of authentically genuine people. And while I may have made peace with the sacrifices I’ve had to make, I also don’t love having them rubbed in my face, even if no one would be doing it on purpose.

“Thanks.” I force my voice to sound neutral, almost formal. “Maybe. I’ve got a lot of homework, so I’ll see.”

“Okay, well, just show up whenever,” she nods, brushing her hands up and down her legs. The look in her eyes dims a little, and it’s obvious she knows I’m not going to show.

I stay in the waiting room for a while after Jackie leaves, trying to pull myself together. I hate that I feel so shaken up. About Seb. But also, about Jackie coming over to check in—the pull I’m feeling for things to be like they used to be. For feeling a sliver ofshame in front of her, when I’ve made it my life’s mission not to care what people think of me.

Also, stupid Dylan Braun.

He’s on my brain, too, and that bugs me. I shouldn’t be wondering how he made it home today, after I texted last minute to tell him I wouldn’t be able to drive him. If he called his dad or if he grabbed a ride with someone else. One of his legion of fan girls, maybe. I definitely shouldn’t be wondering how his first day was. I mean, I know how his first day was—it was crap. But I have no idea how he feels about it all. The guy is a total enigma.

I get a text from Gavin just as I’m leaving the hospital.

Gavin

Wanna hang? Done practice. Folks r out next 3 hrs

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