Page 117 of The Price of Ice

But the alpha shook his head, then licked his lips and offered his hand again, palm up, open and easy and so dangerous it made Kallen’s heart speed up. How did he do that? Be so bloody open?

He swallowed thickly, eyes tracing the lines on it. He wanted to read what it said about Levy’s love and life, but he had no idea how, if it was even real.

There was no roadmap, no assurances. But Levy didn’t know either and he’d offered. And Kallen couldn’t doless. That kind of bravery had to be met with the same, or...

He reached out a little too fast, curling his fingers over the side of Levy’s warm skin once again. But this time, it wasn’t reassurance, but an answer.

For an instant, he couldn’t breathe, as if he’d actually jumped off a cliff, and then Levy’s fingers were curling around his own, tight and certain.

“Kallen,” Levy’s voice was soft, gentle. He always was so careful with him, and Kallen had wanted to tell him that he wouldn’t break. But he wasn’t sure that was true, and anyway, he wanted that gentleness. For years, he’d bought that it made him weak, but that was just another lie. And besides, he didn’t just want to receive it, he wanted togiveLevy the same tenderness and respect he was given.

And whatever bullshit the world kept throwing at them, Kallen knew how thisfelt.

“I can’t believe you quit,” he admitted, risking meeting the alpha’s eyes.

“Had to,” his friend explained. “It wasn’t... I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’twant todo it anymore. Hockey isn’t worth hurting anyone or feeling like—” He turned his face away, jaw visibly clenched.

Kallen tugged at their joined hands. “You made a mistake.Wemade a mistake. But if you quit, then...” he trailed off because it wasn’t okay. That wasn’t how it worked. “Then you won’t make the same mistake again. That’s all we can do, isn’t it?”

Levy’s next look was wary, as if this was where his fear lay. His own heart he’d risk easily, but he couldn’t seem to let go of his guilt. And Kallen had already told him, but he said it again, “I forgave you, okay? And that was even before you...” He bit his lip, and had to blink away the wetness in his eyes.

The alpha’s eyes were stuck to their hands. “It wasn’t... It wasn’t just you.” His voice was thin, a thread about to snap.

Kallen had known, obviously he’d known, because Levy had joined the team before he had and at that point they’d had a different omega. “Okay,” he said, acknowledging but not judging. Here was his predecessor again, like a ghost demanding attention.

Maybe Kallen should give it to him.

“Okay?”

“You mean the team omega before me, right? Coleridge? Who was also stupid enough to sign a contract saying he’d spend his heats with a whole team?” He shook his head, huffing. “Sorry, I don’t know what his deal was, and if he got to retirement, it was probably a shitty one. But he’d have agreed to it ahead of time.”

“I agreed too,” Levy argued, low but vicious. “I can’t just... You can’t just say it’s okay because team omegas sign a contract!”

“I’m not!” Kallen said, too loud. He glanced around, but no one was looking at him. Would people think this was lovers’ spat if...? He huffed and had to inhale deeply before he could explain, “It’s not okay, it wasn’t okay for you and it wasn’t okay for me, and we can probably assume it wasn’t okay for him. Butyou” He squeezed Levy’s hand for emphasis “are making a better choicenow. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Only because of you,” Levy said, all the fight seeming to leave him at once.

Kallen snorted, earning himself a shocked look. “Please, do you see Johnson here? Or Benny?” He made a show of glancing around. “Youmade a choice, and sure, maybe I had something to do with it. Just like you— Just like you did for me. But you can’t make someone change no matter how much you show them there is a better way,theyhave to choose it. And fuck, Levy, you don’t get to tellmethat giving up playing professionally isn’t the hardest thing you have fucking done. That you aren’t going to wonder what would have been forever.”

“I won’t,” Levy said, but expression clearing, fierce and burning everything in its wake. “You know what? I won’t because Iknowwhat it would have been like. I would have treated someone like a— an object, and pretended it was okay because they’d signed a piece of paper. And I would have feltguilty as fuck until I got an ulcer or something. And then I would have maybe held the Cup once or twice in twenty years and made a fuckload of money I didn’t need, gone on expensive holidays in the off-season to try and forget what I would have done. Bought mysistera house or something, as if I could buyherforgiveness for what I was doing to another omega. Or hurt myself so bad I’d had had no choicebutto retire, but then it wouldn’t have been my choice, and it wouldn’t have counted. I wouldn’t have done anything to make up for any of it, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.”

Kallen could only stare at him, lips parted but without any words he could find. He himself hadn’t been able to stomach imagining even a year into the future, but here was Levy having travelled the whole distance in his mind. He’d let the whole nightmare of it unfold fully, each terrible choice stacked atop the deep betrayal of his self that would only bury that self deeper into the ground. A whole life built atop a lie: that a contract or legality could make something right, that someone’s consent could save you from your own dishonourable behaviour.

It wasn’t worth much when his own mind followed along the path Levy had traced. He might have ignored what the paralysis meant, thanked his lucky stars and gone back to it all, used lure to the best of his ability, kept the wolves at bay with the flame of his own power, twisting his gift into something unrecognizable. Excused anything he did with what they did to him in turn. Surviving, but always afraid.

And alone.

On the ice, he’d have had to pretend they were his team and had his back, but neither they nor he could have truly believed it. Off the ice, he’d have to get Levy or Benny or someone to never leave him alone with their captain and kept his gaze down never to meet McKinley’s.

And if...whensomething had happened again, he’d have had to choose between asking his allies to support him or save them for the next. He’d have probably saved them for the next thing for a long time, perhaps for the very last hurdle. Because he’d already made it clear to himself that he wasn’t worthy of compassion or respect, so hockey would have been all he had left and he’d have burned himself out trying to keep it at any cost.

Except that even in that world, there would have been a price he wouldn’t pay for the ice. Because no matter how much he’d tried to pretend otherwise, he’d never intended to fulfil the breeding clause in his contract.

“You are right,” he said, voice rasping out of his throat. “I don’t... I don’t think I’ll regret it, either. But... I wish it had been true, you know? That the ice was really just the ice and playing was really just playing.”

Levy’s face fell, and before he knew it, Kallen found himself yanked to his feet, dragged to the side so Levy could hold him in his arms, chest solid under Kallen’s cheek. He hugged back as hard as he got. There was nothing they could do about the beautiful fantasy the world had destroyed, but at least they were in this together.

Chapter 39

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