Page 48 of The Price of Ice

There was no need for it, but when he stood and offered a hand, Kallen took it anyway. He let Levy wrap an arm around his middle and walk him down the corridor. Only to stumble a little when he stopped, and Levy didn’t.

“Oh.” They were by the main bedroom, and suddenly Kallen wanted to curl up and hide.

“Sorry,” he managed, eyes on the ground.

“No!” Levy said at once. “Come on, I’ve missed cuddling.”

He said it so easily, like it didn’t even occur to him that he could say no. Like... “I’m fine,” Kallen told him, digging in his heels.

“Okay,” his friend agreed. “So come sleep, I’m tired.”

And it was too hard to fight him, to fight them both, really. He wanted the warmth, even if he needed the cold. And McKinley was right; he wasn’t strong enough.

So he laid down next to Levy, and he buried his face into the soft skin of his throat, clinging to his pyjama top and he pretended it was allowed.

That it wouldn’t cost him anything, just this closeness, this care, this warmth.

HE COULDN’T MOVE, SOMETHINGwas restraining him and no matter how hard he struggled, he couldn’t get loose. His throat hurt, but he couldn’t hear his own screams, the rush of blood in his ears deafening everything around him as his body redirected every resource to fighting this thing. To surviving.

And then the pressure was gone, just like that. He opened his eyes to the semi-darkness of the bedroom, rolling off the bed on instinct, and then he saw Levy, sitting up, hand on his left cheek. The echo of the last few seconds came back to him. “Wh... Did I...?” He took another step back. Had hehitan alpha?

“It’s okay,” Levy told Kallen. “You were having a nightmare, we were... I was holding you and I thought— I had the bad idea of trying to hug it out.”

“I’m—” He had to swallow down a sob, body curling up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Hey!” Levy was scrambling towards him, and Kallen took a stumbling step back, but his friend followed, getting to his feet too quickly for him to evade and grabbing Kallen’s wrist, squeezing. “Don’t do that, it was an accident, man.”

Kallen shook his head, stilling. He shouldn’t have asked to sleep here. Not after the day he’d had, not when he was...

“Kallen, I get hit way harder than that every other day,” his friend reminded him. There was a tentative hand on his other shoulder. “I normally get a little more warning, it’s all.”

The joke fell flat, but Levy was carefully tugging at him. Turning them around until his own back was to the wall. Onlythen did he let go of Kallen’s wrist and placed a gentle hand on his neck instead. “Let me hold you?” he asked. “Just for a bit?”

It was so soft. Not just his tone but his hands.OnKallen but not restraining him in any way. He’d just have to step back and they’d no longer be touching. He could do that, he could walk away, to the guest room, or even back to the Johnsons’.

“I’m okay if you never wanna kiss me again,” Levy added. “But I don’t— I’m here for you, Kallen. I... You can trust me. You can... I can hold you. Just that.”

And it hurt to hear, but it helped too. Because it made sense, Levy was a good person. A good friend, so of course he wanted to comfort Kallen when he was so obviously messed up. He didn’t expect more than that, for Kallen to be a functional human being, for him to be able to say nice things and be close and love him like he deserved to be loved.

It was okay to take this gift, so generous in the desert of his life that he felt like praying as he crumbled into Levy’s strong arms. It made him weak, but he’d already known that about himself, and it would make closing up again later much harder, but he did it anyway, with the desperation of need even though he should have controlled himself.

Levy shushed him as he cried, and spoke more soft words, promises and comfort that Kallen couldn’t process right then.

And then he took Kallen back to bed and spooned behind him and let him pretend he was safe and loved for a little while.

HE WOKE UP ALONE, ANDthe stab of pain that went through him as he opened his eyes to the empty bed was more than enough reminder that he’d taken what wasn’t his.

“Hey,” Levy was leaning against the doorway, still in his pyjamas. “I just called Coach, told him we weren’t coming in today.”

“What?” Kallen stared at him.

“To practice,” Levy explained. “He was fine with it. We all get personal days, remember?”

“But...” He started, and his voice was so rough coming out he had to stop and reach for the glass of water on his bedside table.

It was only once he’d drank half of it that he realised how stale it tasted. Levy must have been watching him, because when Kallen turned back to him, his mouth was twisted in a little moue. “Forgot to refresh it,” he said, and it sounded like an apology of all things.

“You don’t have to...” He ran out of words. “You don’t have to do any of this.”

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