Page 60 of Between the Ropes

I drag myself out of the bathroom, shove on my gear, and hit the gym.

For two days straight, I train like a man possessed. My body aches, but I don’t let up. I push harder, faster, as if I can somehow outwork the pain, the shame, the misery that’s eating me alive.

But no matter how hard I go, I can’t outrun the weight of what I’ve lost.

By the time Travis shows up at my front door, I’m not even surprised.

“You look rough, bro.”

I grunt. “Thanks, Trav. Just what I wanted to hear.”

I step aside to let him in, and he saunters past me, all glossy blonde hair and those damn dimples that make him look more like a movie star than a wrestler. He drops onto my couch like he owns the place, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

I sink into the chair across from him, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. He doesn’t say anything for a while, just watches me with that knowing look, like he’s waiting for me to spill.

When I don’t, he finally says it. “Natalie.”

The sound of her name hits me like a punch to the gut. My jaw tightens. “What about her?”

“She left, man. She’s done. Packed up and went home.”

I try to keep my face neutral, but I can feel the shift, the tightening in my chest. “It’s for the best.”

Travis raises an eyebrow. “Is it?”

“She’ll be better off without me. She’ll move on.”

Travis leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. “You really hurt her, dude. You know that, right?”

I nod, the weight of it settling over me again. “If we kept going, I would’ve done more than hurt her. I’d destroy her. Relationships aren’t for me, Trav. I knew that, and I tried anyway. Look where it got us. I should have never started anything with her to begin with, that’s on me.”

“Bullshit.”

I glance up at him, surprised by the sharpness in his tone.

“You’re not destined to be alone, man. That’s just the crap you tell yourself, so you don’t have to deal with your feelings.” Heleans back, shaking his head. “You deserve to be happy, Ryan. You’ve got to stop sabotaging yourself. You’re a better man than this.”

I grunt, leaning back in the chair, my eyes on the ceiling. “Happiness is a distraction. I’ve got one goal, Trav. Everything else is noise.”

Travis snorts. “You keep telling yourself that.”

We spend the rest of the day together. Travis sticks around, probably because he knows I won’t reach out even if I’m drowning. We put on a couple ofFast & Furiousmovies, the kind of over-the-top action that’s just mindless enough to distract me for a while. We don’t speak, we just sit together in silence, staring at the tv screen. I think Travis knows how grateful I am to have him there, even if I can’t say the words myself.

When dinner rolls around, we order pizza, a rare indulgence for me. Travis makes a joke about how I’m finally loosening up, but I’m not in the mood for banter. The truth is, the pizza tastes like nothing, and I can’t stop thinking about her. Every time I close my eyes I see her.

Later, after Travis leaves, I start packing for my next show. Connecticut. Another city, another crowd, another chance to climb my way back to the top. But as I zip up my bag, I can’t shake the hollow feeling in my chest.

I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at my phone. Her name is right there, so easy to tap, to call, to fix this. But I don’t. I can’t.

I’m supposed to be focused on the championship, on my career, but all of it feels meaningless now. Natalie’s face keeps haunting me, her voice, her laughter, she’s fucking everywhere.

I run a hand through my hair, trying to clear my head. I’ve got a flight in the morning, and I need to get my mind right. But as I lie down and close my eyes, all I see is her.

And I know, no matter how hard I try to push her out, she’s not going anywhere.

45

The past few days have been a blur of takeout containers and tissues. I’m curled up on the couch, a mountain of blankets around me, with Annika beside me. We’ve gone through so many tubs of ice cream that I’ve lost count. She’s doing her best, trying to pull me out of this pit I’ve buried myself in, and I love her for it. But even her best efforts can only scratch the surface of this deep, gnawing ache inside me.

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