Page 57 of Knot Mine

“Sometimes,” I whisper, admitting something that plagued me every time I felt like I wasn’t good enough. “I want to make my own choices and have a career. And I can’t do that if I’m an omega.”

How was I supposed to find someone who loved me for me, and not because I was an omega? There were more alphas to omegas, and the way we were viewed as precious commodities meant our worth was based on our reproductive value. Who wanted to live like that?

There’s a sharp inhale as my father sounds like he’s just been slapped. “Who told you that? Because we certainly didn’t. You can be whatever you want to be.”

I’d asked Zale what his life would look like if he wasn’t the Blackwood heir and he hadn’t been able to answer. Unable to picture what life outside of that box might be like. I said I wanted to help other omegas build a life free of societal constraints, but had I actually thought about my life beyond that?

Once I was finished for the day, supporting them, helping them with their dreams, who was I going home to?

Zale.

I wanted to go home to Zale.

Would having a family with him be that awful?

No…it would be…I sigh again, knowing that it was my heat talking. My omega nature urging me to lodge myself on an alpha knot, get pregnant and have babies.

Besides, he was Millie’s boyfriend.

Millie.

Smart, talented Millie. The Queen of Oakley campus, always surrounded by her adoring crowd. The prettier Vos twin. The one who was going to go places.

I wanted to be myself and still be good enough. To be an omega, and not be held up in comparison to her every time someone looked my way.

Rubbing my temples, I fight back tears with an exhausted exhale. “I think I just want to be Shiloh. I don’t want to be Millie Vos’ little brother living in her shadow anymore. I want my own life.”

“Oh, Lo-Lo.” The weight in every syllable crushes me. “If you feel like you’re in Millie’s shadow, it’s because you’re choosing to be there because you refuse to see your own worth.”

I swallow, wanting to protest but my words are lodged in my throat like giant golf balls. I know he’s just being kind because he’s my father and he has to be. Another wave of nausea hits me, and I choke back a whimper, not needing to offload my physical pain since we were already knee deep in my emotional traumas.

“You and your sister are the loves of my life, and I know she can be a force to be reckoned with. But being yourself takes strength, and Shiloh you have always been the stronger twin in that respect.” My father, always the empath, understanding that words are beyond me, continues. “Strength doesn’t mean being the loudest. It means being the most resilient and independent. It means beingbrave. You have always forged your own path, away from the herd.”

Tears stream down my cheeks. I never knew that’s how my parents saw me. I can’t hold back the sobs any longer, overwhelmed and wrung out. I wish I hadn’t done this over the phone so that my dad could hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright in person. My craving for human touch was bordering on desperation since Zale had pushed his way into my life and past my barriers.

I was strong. I was resilient. I was brave and all those other things. So why had I let everything else get into my head and tell me I was lesser? Why wasn’t I treating myself with the same kindness I gave Bell or Millie?

All my life I’d looked up to Rom, putting her on a pedestal, and she hadn’t turned me into a shadow—I’d done that, by comparing myself to her. Fuck what anyone else thought.

“We’re proud of you, no matter what you choose to do, Lo-Lo. We’re proud because you’re smart, funny, kind, and have the most beautiful soul.” I can hear the tears in his voice as he holds himself back. I bet my mother is there, rubbing his back or holding his hand as he comforts me down the phone.

“You’re making me cry,” I hiccup, wiping my nose on my sleeve.

“No love, the heat hormones are making you cry.” He teases, hiding a little sniffle. “That and the fact you’re realizing you no longer have to hide behind your sister because you are in fact, two very different people.”

“Love you,” I say between snuffles.

“Love you too, Lo.” My mother calls in the background. I knew she was listening in, never far from my father’s side. “Let us know when you’re home safe.”

“And Shiloh, happy birthday.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Zale

Blake nudges my knee with his, wordlessly telling me to stop bouncing my leg as we sit on the couch. When we’d realized Shiloh had left, and no one could get hold of him, alarm bells had started blaring in my head. What if he’d been in an accident? Was he hurt or injured? What if he’d gone into heat? What if another alpha stumbled upon him?

I’d been too restless to go back out onto the patio with the others and attempt to socialize, brooding by the fireplace just made me even more anxious. Keeping my jock boyfriend mask in place was getting harder and harder the more time passed.

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