Page 64 of Angel's Smoke

And then he’d turn it on himself, because any love he’d had for living had died along with Anna.

Chapter31

Anna walked out of her OB appointment alone save for the little slip of photo paper depicting the sum total of her family. Her not-so-tiny tyke was the size of a bell pepper or maybe a banana. That last one didn’t make much sense, but then again, her brain hadn’t exactly been up for a whole lot of critical analysis lately.

Her time with Dr. Li had been uneventfully standard, and she’d parted with her next appointment scheduled, along with instructions on when to take her glucose drink in relation to her exam. The medical assistant offered Anna a choice of fruit punch or orange flavor for the drink, with far too much enthusiasm given what the situation warranted. But, hey, Anna got it. Pregnancy gave women next to no choices most of the time, so it made sense the staff would get excited over the things they could control that might make the experience more palatable for their patients.

As far as Anna was concerned,palatablewent out the window as soon as she entered the waiting room. The fallen look on the receptionist’s face was only the first of several disappointed expressions Anna had to endure throughout her visit once the staff realized she hadn’t brought Iron with her.

It was like being a celebrity by proxy. The still-contractually-valued understudy to the star people hadactuallypaid to see.

Several weeks ago, she could have claimed to have never seen hope flee from a collective group of people so fast. Since then, she’d been regrettably enlightened.

Anna’s phone chirped in her pocket, and she fished the thing out once she got into the elevator.

Rose:Here! I’m parked next to the blue minivan. Let me know when you’re done.

Rose had insisted on at least giving her a ride to and from her OB appointment. Originally, Rose’s offer included going in as Anna’s exam room buddy as well, which Anna had kindly refused, but she wasn’t really in a position to say no to a ride. She didn’t think she could drive herself anyway. Her Subaru still sat parked at her cabin where she’d left it weeks ago.

Iron had been the last one to drive it when he’d taken her out for ice cream on that early spring day, and she couldn’t bear the thought of going in there. Seeing the driver’s seat adjusted to his brawny frame, the mirrors angled into a position that only his barbarian form could access, would gut her all over again.

Anna tapped out a quickon my wayand hastened her steps, eager to run from the hollow feeling that had clung to her skin beneath the remorseful stares of the medical staff.

She’d hoped time would make whatever distance that separated her from Iron seem less . . . distant. It did no such fucking thing.

He was gone. Left without a trace, except for a few bleak instructions to his brothers that condensed the entirety of her and Iron’s soul-deep connection into what others, who were very much not him, could provide for her and her baby in the future.

Which was precisely the biggest load of bullshit she’d ever been mired in.

She didn’t need a contingency plan. She neededhimand his unsinkable form sitting in that waiting room, holding her hand, and making grown men think twice about commenting on her marital state.

She needed to remember what his fierce intensity looked like etched across his face as he made her fall apart in his arms.

She neededIron. And he was gone.

The car door closed, and Rose handed over the snack bag of meticulously portioned and obstetrician-approved-within-reason chocolate-covered espresso beans. Anna popped her new favorite indulgence into her mouth, but the treat tasted like ash on her tongue.

Rose pulled out of the parking lot. “What’s the good word?”

Anna set her latest ultrasound photo up on the dashboard. “Baby’s doing exactly what baby should be doing, I’ve gained another five pounds, and my doctor asked whether I had given any thought to a birth plan.”

“Have you?”

“The plan is to give birth. As far as my shitty HMO and I are concerned, my healthcare providers are in charge of the rest.”

Rose’s warm hand gave hers a squeeze. “You know we’re all here for you when you’re ready.”

The last thing Anna needed was guilt mingling with her snack’s bittersweetness, but there it was, nonetheless.

“I know. I’m just . . . not, I guess, becausehewas supposed to be part of my birth plan. He was supposed to be with me filling out paperwork, making me laugh through the pain, and bringing me extra pairs of those cozy socks with the grippy things on the bottom in case I have to walk around a lot to get my water to break.Hewas my birth plan, Rose. He was my person, and he’s not here.”

Anna pushed down the familiar pain that burned behind her chest whenever she thought about it lest it turn into another full-blown breakdown. “I miss him, and I don’t know whether he’s okay or not. I don’t know whether he’s even alive, or if he is, whether he’s hurt or upset or regretful or anything. I just don’tknow. I hate not knowing, and I feel like if we really had this eternal soul bond connection or whatever, shouldn’t I knowsomething? Shouldn’t I feel something in here if he wasn’t alive anymore?” Anna tapped her chest but couldn’t bring herself to look Rose in the eye.

Her friend didn’t say anything. What could she say, really? Anna had heard it all before, and it wasn’t like Rose and the others didn’t get it. Oh, they got it, all right, and that was another source of her gnawing grief.

His family had lost one of their own as well, but where Iron’s loss in her life was one of immense emptiness on her part, his disappearance for them was coated in something far more sinister: betrayal, made worse by the fact that his lone parting note asked them not to understand his actions but to look after Anna instead.

The forced shift in the priorities of a family that wasn’t hers sat as well with her as the sludge in her coffee pot she’d forgotten to clean out from a few days ago.

---