Page 116 of For the Win

“Are y’all eating today or just having drinks?”the server asks us.

“Just drinks,” Harrison says, then looks at me.“Unless you want food?”

“No, I’m good.I’ll have a margarita, please, on the rocks.”

“You bet.”She looks to Harrison, who orders a beer.

“This beer is gonna taste great.Haven’t had one in nearly two weeks.Although I did overdo it on scotch the other night.”He grimaces, then meets my eyes.

I tip my head.“The night we talked.”

“Yeah.Wasn’t doing so hot the next day.I needed to get my shit together.Had a painful convo with my parents.And then with Everly.She gave me hell and told me what a selfish prick I am.”

My eyes widen.

“I am so, so sorry, Arya.”His voice is full of sorrow, his eyes shadowed with regret.“For so many things.”

My lips quiver.I keep my gaze fastened on him.

“I did awful things to you,” he goes on, his voice deep and thick.“I thought I was being determined, going after what I wanted.I wanted you.”He meets my eyes, his dark and sorrowful.

I blink rapidly.“I-I know.”

The server brings our drinks, pausing our conversation for a moment.

“But that wasn’t the right way to do it,” he continues.“I had no idea what you’d been through and I was an idiot, showing up at your classes, pushing you to go out with me.I want you to know that I didn’t leave because I can’t handle what happen to you.I left because I realized what an asshole I’d been to you.And then...the worst thing, which I didn’t even realize until Everly kicked my ass, was freaking out when you told me what happened to you.I was so guilty and ashamed about how I’d behaved, and it shouldn’t have been about me, it should have been about you and what you went through, and I wasn’t there for you.”

“Oh, Harrison.”My throat aches and I swallow painfully.

“You said I scared you...and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”His voice catches on the last word.

“No!”I sit up straight and reach out a hand to cover his.“You didn’t scare me.”

“You said that...you were scared.”

“I didn’t say that.”I grip his hand tightly.“I was scared because I didn’t trust myself.I didn’t trust my judgement.Iwantedto go out with you.I really liked you.I mean, I was nervous about it, but it wasn’t you who made me nervous.It was myself.”I pause.“I don’t know if I’m making any sense.Please, please don’t think that you scared me.”

Our eyes meet and hold as I beg him not to think that.

The air thickens and pulses around us.

“One of the things I’ve had to work on is trusting myself,” I continue in a low voice.“I blamed myself for misjudging Lucas when I first went out with him.I was afraid I’d never be able to have a relationship with someone because I was too stupid to know when someone wasn’t a good person.”

“Christ, Arya, you’re not stupid.”

I roll my eyes.“I felt stupid.And since then, I’ve been afraid to trust my own instincts.I was so horribly wrong that time.My instincts were telling me you were a good guy, but I was afraid to believe that.”

He lifts his chin.“That night I showed up at your place...I did scare you.”

I close my eyes.“Okay, yes.I know your intentions were good, though.You didn’t mean to scare me.That’s the difference between you and...”I don’t even want to say something that compares him to Lucas, because there’s no comparison.“It wasmyhang-up.And I know I overreacted.I told you that.”

He nods slowly, then lifts his chin.“Okay.I get it.”

“I should have told you.”My throat squeezes.“I should have told you what happened, and then you’d understand why I was so cautious and nervous.I’m sorry.”

“Aw fuck, Arya, this isn’t your fault.”

“I guess we were both messed up.”

---