Page 45 of For the Win

“Right.”

“He didn’t have us until he was a lot older.So.It’s not like he’s young.But still.It’s hard to deal with.”

“I’m sure it is.”

I don’t know how, but my hand has slipped into his as we walk.I give it a squeeze.

“I’ve been thinking about it so much, since yesterday.I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with it.”

“I think that’s normal.He’s your dad.”

He nods.

“I still have both my parents.I can’t imagine what it will be like.”

He sighs.“I can’t either.He’s always been my biggest supporter, from the time I started skating.My biggest fan.I suddenly thought about playing without him watching and it feels like...playing for no one.”He pauses, then adds quietly.“I’ve wanted to play in the NHL my whole life, and it feels like time is running out.Not only because I’m getting older...but because if it does, my dad won’t be around to see it.”

“Stop.”I squeeze his hand.“Youdoplay in the NHL.Youhaveshown your father you can do it.It doesn’t matter if you have some contract or whatever.I don’t think anyone is ever guaranteed they’re going to always going to play for a certain team.Right?”

“I guess.”

I don’t know a lot about how professional hockey works.I guess the very best players in the world would never get sent down.But still...maybe it could happen.

“I’m sure he’s proud of you.”

One corner of his mouth lifts.“I hope so.He’s never been the kind of dad who pushed us to play.He let us do what we want.My brother Asher never even tried to make it into the NHL.After college, he decided to write about hockey instead of play it.And Dad was fine with that.”

“See?I think you’re putting the pressure on yourself.”

“You’re probably right.But even so...I want him to see me make it.”

“I understand that.”

We approach a bench and Harrison slows and turns to sit on it, tugging me gently with him, my hand still clasped in his.His is big and strong.His knuckles are rough and reddened.My heart melts a little at seeing that.

“And I’m also a selfish dick,” he says.

“What?Why?”

“I need his advice.My coach had a talk with me when they called me up, and...and I need my Dad’s take on it.But I don’t feel I can do that right now.He’s got enough problems.”

I study his face, the set of his jaw, and his firm lips.“I bet he wouldn’t agree.I bet he’d love to give you advice.”

He tips his head.“You think?”

“I think parents live to give their kids advice.”I laugh softly.“Even when theydon’task for it.”

“Thanks for letting me yak about it,” he says.“I don’t want to be a downer.”

“You’re not.It’s a major event in your life.It will take time to work through what it all means, and in a way, I think, you’ve already started grieving.That’s a hard process.”

He purses his lips and nods.“Yeah.I didn’t think of it that way.”He stares out at the dark ocean for a moment.“My family—my extended family—is kind of messed up.This might be something that brings everyone back together.”

“Yes.Adversity can do that.”

“Or maybe make everything worse.”He slants me a crooked smile.“Maybe this will show us who everyone really is.”

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