Page 102 of For the Win

It’s a back-and-forth game, but in the end, the Condors lose.By only one goal, but that doesn’t matter.

Lacey, Everly, and I all look at each other glumly.

“Damn.”Everly holds up her empty wine glass.“Who else wants a refill?”

“I better not.I have to drive home.”I make a face.

“I’ll have one,” Lacey says.She looks at me.“I’m staying here tonight, since Théo’s away.You should have too.”

“Yeah, we should have planned a sleepover.”Everly unfolds her legs and stands.“Be right back.Arya, you want some pop or water?”

“That’s okay.I should go.”

It’s bizarre how sad I am about this loss.I know I’m feeling it for Harrison.

When Everly returns, we all exchange hugs.“Thank you so much for inviting me.It was way more fun watching with you than alone.”

“Of course it is.”Lacey grins.“But you can watch with us any time.If they win their next game here, there’ll be another in Vancouver.Are you coming to the home game on Wednesday?”

“I...I’m not sure.”I nibble my lip.I don’t know what’s going on with me and Harrison.

We’re not doing team yoga right now, because their schedule is so intense with all the travel.So I don’t know what will happen when he comes back tomorrow.

I know Everly and Lacey watch the game from the owner’s box, so even if I went, I wouldn’t see them.

“Well, we’ll text,” Everly says.

I drive home.I need to think.

I’m falling in love with Harrison, and right now, this is not a good thing.I am such an idiot.

Stop.

I know better than to call myself names like “idiot.”I’d never say that to someone else, so I shouldn’t say it to myself.Idohave hang-ups, but they’re real and they’re justified.I’ve been so much better lately, although I know I may never totally get over what happened to me.But I’m living and I’m doing my best, every day.

At home, I walk into my bedroom and sink down to the floor in lotus position, hands on my knees.I inhale a long breath.

I breathe in courage and breathe out doubt.

I’ve got this.

I just need to figure out what to do about it.

Harrison comes home tomorrow.Well, late tonight; Lacey said they’d be flying home right after the game.But he’ll go home and go to bed.

I need to apologize to him.I need to explain to him.Not excuse my behavior, but I want him to understand why I reacted the way I did.He may be angry at me and I wouldn’t blame him if he is.And if he can’t get past that or accept my, um, shortcomings, I’ll deal with it.Somehow.

I try to breathe out my doubts, but it’s hard because I really don’t know if trying to contact Harrison tomorrow is the right thing or the wrong thing to do.I don’t want to disturb him during such an important time, which would make it easy for me to put it off.But he deserves to know how sorry I am.It’s probably best to get it out there and then move on.

I text him in the morning.

Do you think we could talk?I’d really like to explain what happened.But if it’s not a good time I understand.

Taj drops me off at Prana today for my eleven o’clock class.

When that’s done, I check my phone in the teacher’s lounge, and I have a voice mail.Shit!I missed Harrison’s call.He sounds quiet and serious in the brief message.I hit his number to call him back, but dammit, I gethisvoice mail.I too leave a message.“We’re playing phone tag, sorry.”I briefly outline my schedule for the day then glumly end the call.

I eat a salad in the teachers’ lounge, scrolling through social media.My attention span is short, so I’m barely paying attention to what I’m reading, skimming through new posts and pictures of cute dogs.

---