Page 19 of On Broken Wings

After a few minutes, I heard an engine and his headlights shone through my window. I curled onto my side as I cried. I cried for myself, for my parents, for Mason, but most of all… I cried for my innocence that I’d lost. The world was a cruel place, and I was slowly drowning in it.

Chapter 8

Jenni

Eight forty-three. The numbers were glowing in the darkness as I stared at nothing in particular. I hadn’t moved from my bed since Mason left. The streetlights had come on, casting a glow into my bedroom window. The house was quiet. I’d gotten used to quiet over the last month. I’d been keeping to myself so much, that most of the time voices startled me. A ding sounded from my phone. It was stupid, but part of me assumed it was Mason. I knew he’d check up on me at some point, and if I wanted to be left alone, I needed to answer him.

You’re such a slut!

“Ding.”

Do you spread your legs for everybody like that?

“Ding.”

I bet you weren’t even really a virgin.

“Ding.”

I want a turn next.

“Ding. Ding. Ding.”

How are your oral skills? Do you like being watched? Ever thought about two guys at once?

They wouldn’t stop, and every time I deleted one, five new ones would pop up. Tears streamed down my face as I hurled my phone at the wall. I heard it crash and the dinging stopped as it fell to the floor. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?” I cried out at no one in particular. As if the universe hadn’t punished me enough, my laptop started buzzing with notifications. I was never going to escape this. Never. No matter what I did, or where I went, this was going to follow me. It was online! I had comments from people who didn’t even know me. A few were in support of what I was going through, but for the most part they were asking for more videos. Did Nate not understand that he’d ruined me? Who would want someone like me now?

Nine o’clock.

I’d decided that I was going to take that bath. I had a headache, and I wanted to get in the tub, and make it go away. I shuffled into my parents’ bathroom in search of some pain meds. My mom always kept their bathroom well stocked.

I ran my fingers along the labels until I found what I was looking for. As I wrapped my fingers around the small prescription bottle, I closed my eyes and released a deep breath. I swallowed as the tears started up again. I never knew a human could cry this much. Where did the tears come from? Surely, I wasn’t drinking that much water.

I turned, bottle in hand, and made my way to the hallway bath, my bathroom. I left the light off but the door open. The hallway light was on. It would allow enough light in for me to see. I turned on the water, allowing it to warm before filling the tub. As the sound of rushing water filled the air around me, I slowly undressed. I stared at my reflection. I looked gaunt from not eating. My skin was pale, my eyes red from crying. I’d been doing a pretty good job of hiding my pain. Baggy sweats have been my friend for weeks.

I stared at the label on the bottle clutched in my hand. This would help me. It had to help me. I popped the lid off, and shook a few capsules into my palm. My vison blurred as I stared at them. “I’ll feel better,” I murmured to myself. “I’ll be better.” I tossed them in my mouth and swallowed before leaning forward to take a sip of water from the sink. When I stood back up and saw my reflection again, I didn’t feel different. My eyes went from my reflection to the bottle in my hand. I swallowed against the pain as I shook a few more capsules out. “I need this. They’ll help me,” I told myself as I tossed them in my mouth and repeated the process. When I went back to the bottle, it was empty. I set it on the counter, and lowered myself into the tub.

Warm water sloshed around me as I turned the faucet off, and sank down to my shoulders. My body felt heavy, but the water seemed to soothe me. It was like a warm hug that I’d been craving for weeks. I closed my eyes, and attempted to relax, but life was cruel. In the silence of the house, my nemesis taunted me. The sounds of alerts on my social media were faint, but there. My eyes leaked as the tears came back, and I cursed the empty bottle on the counter. Why couldn’t there have been a few more? Why did people who didn’t even know me, hate me so much? They had to hate me. Who would do this to someone they didn’t hate?

I held my breath as I sank below the surface. I thought about keeping myself under. What would happen if I never came up for air? All of this would go away. I’d be happy again, and I’d be with my mom and dad. I only lasted about a minute before instinct kicked in and my nose rose to the surface. I blinked against the water dripping in my eyes, and that’s when I saw it. It seemed harmless in its plastic case. Mason’s razor.

I reached for it, and as my fingers wrapped around the handle, they trembled. What would it be like? Would I feel better?

I fumbled to get the blade to release. It slipped through my fingers, and landed in the tub with a small splash. Maybe this wasn’t supposed to be like this? Maybe the universe was trying to stop me. But why put me through this? Wouldn’t it be better if all this just went away?

I felt around until my fingers slid across the metal. A small sting zinged up my arm as my fingertip started to bleed. I thought it would hurt. I thought I could never stand the pain. I thought it should hurt, but I felt better. I felt better knowing that it could get rid of the pain. I’d be happy again, and away from all of this. I apologized to Mason as I dragged the blade across my tender flesh. I watched as blood pooled on my wrist before running over the edge and landing in the water around me. As I repeated the motion, I sobbed. This was it. I was getting rid of the pain. I’d be free, and never have to deal with this again.

It took about an hour before I passed out. I don’t remember much after that. I remember placing the blade on the edge of the tub as I hung my head. I remember feeling the pulse of my wrists as the pain drained away. I remember lying back in the water, and crying as I said I was sorry to whomever was listening at the moment, and then… I remember darkness.

oooooooo

My body ached as my eyes fought to open. Where was I, and why did I feel so tired? I blinked against the faint light in the room, and attempted to lift my hands to rub my face. Why were my arms so heavy? It felt as if I had weights in them holding them to the bed. The bed. It wasn’t my bed. It was harder, and the sheets weren’t as soft. My head lolled to the side as my eyes adjusted to the room.

Mason. Mason was sitting in a chair beside me. He was asleep. I surveyed my surroundings, and that’s when everything started to click into place. I was in a hospital bed. I’d cut myself to dull the pain. I’d taken a bath and made a huge mistake. I’d done something that I never thought I’d do, and now I was here.

“You’re awake.” Mason leaned forward and scrubbed his palms down his face.

“Yeah.” It was all I could think of to say at the moment. I was embarrassed that he was seeing me like this, and ashamed of what I’d done.

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