Page 18 of With Every Breath

“Is it that bad?” I chuckled. I was trying to make light of whatever this heavy cloud was, but Bailey scowled at my attempt.

“I don’t know. Is me dying a bad thing?” she snapped, and then slapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to come out like that. I’m a mess.” Her eyes started to well, and she wiped them angrily. At that moment, the server reappeared with her coffee. I nodded a thank you, and then she left us.

“Is something wrong?” I reached across the table and lightly touched her hand. She recoiled, and I released her.

“Not right now.” She shook her head as she pulled her hands into her lap. “This is why I don’t date. I hate talking about this.” She growled the words out and then glanced across the diner to see if anyone had noticed her outburst.

“Just tell me whatever it is.” I lowered my voice and attempted to calm her.

She released a deep sigh before turning her eyes back to me. “When I was twelve, I got cancer. Leukemia. I was sick for two years. I had all sorts of treatments, and then I started to get better. I went into remission when I was fourteen. I’ve been cancer free since then, but there’s always a chance it could come back.” Her gaze broke and she lowered her eyes to stare at her lap.

“But you’re fine now. You’re not sick.” I was confused.

“But I could be. Don’t you see? It could come back without any warning. I could die. I saw what me being sick did to my parents. I can’t put anyone else through that.” She lifted her eyes with this resolve that scared me about what she might say next. “This is why trying is hard for me. If I let you in, I might break you, and I don’t wanna do that.”

“I’m willing to take the risk.” I offered a half smile.

“But what if I’m not?” Her lip quivered, and I saw the real Bailey. I saw the girl who hid behind the tough exterior that she shared with the world. I saw the fear, real fear, of what she thought might happen. I couldn’t let her do this. I couldn’t let her risk what could be a beautiful life over a bunch of ‘what ifs’.

“Don’t you wonder what you might be giving up because of this? Don’t you think that happiness is worth it? I mean, if I was given the choice to have happiness for a few days over a lifetime of loneliness, I don’t even think there’d be a choice.” I quickly switched seats and scooted in beside her. “I know you’re scared of what could happen, but I’m scared of what we’d be missing. I think you and I could be beautiful. I saw a glimpse last night. I see you, and I know that you know I’m right.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and coaxed her to lean against me. Her body relaxed and her head rested against my shoulder. I could smell her shampoo as her hair tickled my cheek. “Tell me I’m right.”

“Part of me knows you are, but I’ve followed this way of thinking for so long. When I got better, I promised that I would never regret anything. I’ve kept that promise, except when it came to love. I’ve never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. It’s just easier that way.”

“Easier for who?” I sighed.

“Everybody, that is, until you came along. I never planned on you.” She laughed and seemed to cry at the same time. “I’m scared.”

“I didn’t think Bailey French was afraid of anything.” I chuckled.

“I’m afraid of falling for you. I’m afraid of loving you, and then having the universe take it all away.” She slowly lifted her head and leaned back so she was staring right into my eyes. “I don’t think I can fight it anymore, though. I’m tired of looking for reasons to be mad, reasons to stay away, reasons why it won’t work. I just want you to know what you’re getting into.” She blinked away the unshed tears.

“I think you’re worth it. I wanna be fearless with you.” I leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. “Let’s eat something, and then after we’ve had a good night’s sleep, I’ll take you on a date, one that you aren’t tricked into going on.” As she sat up straighter, I moved back to my original seat, and waved our server over.

“I think you owe me that.” She laughed. “A date that I’m not tricked into, that is,” she clarified.

“You got it.” I nodded.

After we finished our brunch, because let’s face it, it was after noon by the time we’d finished, we went our separate ways. I needed to sleep, and now that I knew her big secret, I felt like I could. I felt like we’d finally made progress with ‘us’, and that things might finally be going somewhere.

ooooooooo

Bailey

My day was spent watching TV and binging on ice cream with Madi. Winter training started tomorrow, and it was my last day to do nothing. I felt drained after airing out my secrets to Dex. I wondered how much of what he said was actually meant. Very few people knew about my past. The few who did, always looked at me differently, all of them except Madi. Madi saw me, and that’s why our friendship worked. I knew I’d crossed that line with Dex though, and now I needed to see it through. I needed to let whatever this was grow, and maybe turn into something real. The seeds were there, I just needed to water them and let the sun in.

“So, is he your boyfriend now?” Madi grinned as she changed the channel.

“I guess?” I shrugged as I scooped a giant bite of ice cream right from the container.

“What do you mean, you guess?” She smacked me. “He likes you, you like him. You’ve been on two dates, and kissed. That sounds like a boyfriend to me.” She rolled her eyes and laughed before picking up her phone.

“What are you doing?” I stared at her.

“Asking him.” She laughed as she tapped away. When I heard the ringing and saw the look on her face, I was mortified.

“Hello?” Dex’s voice filled the room. He sounded groggy, as if he’d just woken up.

“Hey. It’s Madi. I just have a question for you.” She bit her lip as she grinned. I covered my face with my hands. This reminded me of something we’d do in high school.

---