Page 3 of With Every Breath

“Party punch.” Devin chuckled.

“Tastes terrible. What’s in it?” I coughed as I took another sip.

“Lots of stuff. I took what I could from my parents’ liquor cabinet, and then poured in a bunch of juice. After you have a few, it’s not that bad.” He laughed as he swayed a little. “Want some?” He shoved a cup in Madi’s direction.

“Sounds awful.” She laughed as she took the cup. After taking a sip, she burst into a coughing fit, and I began laughing uncontrollably.

“You only live once.” I raised my glass. A few others did too, but I don’t think they completely understood what I was toasting to. A few years ago, I never thought a moment like this was possible, and now here I was.

We spent the evening laughing and telling stories about our days on the team. How we were sad it was over, but how some of us almost quit when we were younger. I remember many days when my coach would tell me, “You’re gonna hate me some days, but know that this is what it takes to be the best.” I wanted to be the best, and every time he added running or some torturous activity onto practice, I did it with a smile. I was happy to be there, and would gladly do anything he asked.

“Where’s your head at?” Devin bumped his leg against mine. It was late, and we were just sitting around the fire. I’d stopped drinking the party punch a while ago, and my head wasn’t so fuzzy anymore.

“Lots of things.” I sighed. “Wondering if my new coach will be as hard as Coach Williams was.” I mused as I picked at the grass. “Or if I’ll spend afternoons doing pushups in the rain. Will the team work together like this one did? I have to be successful. I have to take chances. I need to reach greatness.” I blinked as my eyes began to water. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the smoke or not.

“You will be great. You’re a kickass soccer player. Your coach would have to be an idiot to not see that.” He laughed as he tossed his cup toward the trash bag.

“There’s so much more, though.” I sighed. “It’s not just about soccer. I’m moving away from my parents for the first time. I know it’s only a few hours’ drive, but still, they won’t be able to spy on me… I hope.”

“You mean, you aren’t looking forward to getting away from the helicopter?” We both laughed at that. Devin had seen firsthand how my mom was when she came to games. I think I was the only kid on the team who had someone yelling about putting on my rain jacket when I was on the sidelines.

“That, I won’t miss.” I laughed harder. “I’ll miss you, though.” The words came out unexpectedly. The funny thing about Devin, we’ve never dated. We almost went to junior prom together, but he got mono. We’ve been this couple who’s not a couple. We’re friends, good friends, and I’ve kept it that way because I don’t want to mess things up.

“I’ll miss you, too.” He smiled and then leaned into me, bumping his shoulder against mine. When I turned my head in his direction, our noses rubbed together. I sucked in a breath, and he pulled back.

“Sorry.” It came out in a rush, and I laughed lightly. We’d been here before.

“Actually, fuck it, I’m not sorry.” It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to react. His hands cradled my head as he pressed his lips to mine. Almost immediately, he pulled back. His eyes darted around before he looked at me. “I’ve needed to do that for a long time. I’m not sorry.” He stared, seeming to wait for me to say something. “We can still be friends, but I needed to know what that would feel like.” He smirked and then released his grip on me.

“And?” I pressed my lips together. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole exchange. I’ve never wanted to date anyone. I have friends who are boys, but not boyfriends. I’ve never wanted to pull someone else into my life for fear of what I might put them through. My feelings are a contradiction. I live life one day at a time. I’ve been in remission for three years, but there’s that chance that it could come back. I can’t let anyone feel anything for me because I don’t want to hurt them.

“It was ok. Not what I thought it would be.” He laughed, and I laughed too. I could tell by his face that he was lying through his teeth, but I wasn’t going to call his bullshit. He was saving us both.

“Are you two done with whatever dance this is?” Madi sat up from the blanket she’d stretched out on.

We both laughed harder. “Are you spying on us?”

“I want to go home. I’m tired.” Madi yawned.

“Guess it is late.” Devin looked at his watch. “The sun will be up soon.”

“And your mom will be calling my house to make sure you eat breakfast.” Madi rolled her eyes.

“Right. Guess that means we need to leave.” I turned to Devin. “See you Monday.”

“See you Monday, Soccer Star.” He crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair as he stared at the flames.

Madilyn grabbed the blanket, and the two of us headed back to her car. I’d like the say that I let Devin in after that night, but I didn’t. School continued, life went on as normal, and graduation brought lots of goodbyes. My friendship with Devin changed after that night. He kept me at a distance, and took Kimberly to senior prom. He seemed to watch from afar, and it took a while, but I became ok with that.

Chapter 3

Bailey- age 20

“Let’s go!” I yelled as I rushed through the living room, stuffing pieces of soccer gear into my bag. “I can’t be late today!”

Madi stuck her head out of the bathroom doorway. “You’re not late when you get there a half hour before practice starts.” The words came out jumbled as she talked around her toothbrush.

Madi and I moved into an apartment near campus last spring. It’s nice having our own place, but the ten-minute drive to the stadium is not ideal. I stood by the door, bag in one hand, cleats in the other. “I’m not running extra because of you,” I whined.

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