Page 33 of With Every Breath

“I know baby, but you’re killing yourself doing it this way.” He stood up and slowly made his way to the bathroom. I knew what he was doing, and I loved him for it. I’m always the one to look first. The first one to be let down, the first one to cry, the first one to realize that nothing’s changed. “Hey, Bay?” he called uncertainly. “Come here.” He turned to face me from the bathroom door. He was chewing the inside of his cheek, and his eyes were welling with tears.

I stood and wandered closer, afraid of the devastation I was going to feel when I saw another negative test sitting on the counter. “Two means yes, right?” He sniffed as he wrapped me in his arms and pulled me closer. “It’s a yes, right?” He showed me the test. There were two pink lines staring back at me from the small window. The second one was faint, but it was there. “This is a yes.” He grinned, tears beginning to stream down his cheeks.

I nodded, unable to say anything. I grabbed the test from his hand, and held it closer to my face. I shook it, trying to make sure that I wasn’t being tricked; this was real.

“It’s a yes,” I cried. I fisted the test in my hand as I turned and jumped into his arms. “It’s a yes.” I sobbed as I buried my face in his neck. “We’re going to have a baby.”

“We’re going to have a baby,” he stated as he moved us into the bedroom, lifted me up, and spun us in circles. “This is why you’re tired,” he exclaimed.

“Maybe.” I giggled. “Maybe it’s from all the trying.”

He set me down, and stared at the stick in my hand. “This is real, right? It’s not a trick. The universe isn’t tricking us.” He swallowed as nerves filled his voice.

“If it’s a trick, then it’s a mean one,” I whispered. “I’ll call the doctor tomorrow. I’ll need to go in and have it confirmed. They can tell us when this baby’s arriving.” I placed my hand over my still flat stomach. “I love you already,” I whispered. “More than life itself.”

“We both do.” Dex placed his palm over mine. “I love you.” He kissed the top of my head as we both stood there, quietly letting it all sink in.

oooooooo

I don’t think I slept more than a few hours last night. I tossed around in bed until the sun started peeking through the windows. It was then that I finally gave up and went to the kitchen to eat. I poured myself a cup of juice as I stared at the coffee maker. Coffee was bad for babies, right? I made a mental note to ask the doctor when I went in today. I’d called my general practitioner to have my results confirmed. If she said the test was correct, I’d call my gynecologist for the next steps.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Dex startled me as he yawned on his way into the kitchen.

“No.” I sighed. “I’ve heard that it gets worse as the baby gets bigger.”

“Want me to cook us something for breakfast?” He began pulling food out of the fridge.

“I’m just going to have some toast. Pretty sure there are normal things you’re not supposed to eat, like fish. It’s not good for the baby.”

“I think you can have eggs, but toast it is.” He grabbed the bread and dropped two slices in the toaster.

The morning went by about as fast as paint dries. I paced. I scrolled through messages on my phone. I debated telling my mom about all of this, but decided against it until we knew for sure, plus so many things can go wrong. Dex left for work, and that made time slow even more. I had no one to talk to, or stop me from having every irrational thought on the planet.

When two o’clock finally arrived, I drove to the doctor’s office. It was a nice spring day. Sunny and breezy. It was the complete opposite of the turmoil I had racing around inside me. I was afraid to be happy. What if the test was wrong? What if I’d made a mistake? All the negative feelings Dex had worked so hard to help me push away over the years were back tenfold. I was feeling like I did back when he tricked me into a date. I was waiting for the bad news.

I sat in my car, staring at the blue sky, and silently saying a prayer that I’d get good news today. A butterfly landed on the hood of my car. It had orange wings. It slowly flapped them as if it were trying to tell me that everything was fine. I shoved my door open, and climbed out. The breeze blew, causing my hair to flutter around my face. The excitement I’d felt mere hours ago was gone, and fear had replaced it.

I forced myself to walk inside. The office was clean and bright. A nurse in pink scrubs smiled at me. She had a small baby bump, and was glowing. I wondered if that would be me in a few months.

“Can I help you?” the receptionist called.

“I have an appointment to confirm a pregnancy.” I chewed my bottom lip as she handed me a clipboard with several papers to fill out.

“Congratulations!” She smiled.

“Thanks.” I sat down and began answering all the things that they have you write down, even though they’re going to ask you the same thing when you get in the exam room. I’ve never understood this.

A few moments later, my name was called. I was ushered to a bathroom, where they had a cup with my name on it. “Take your time, and we’ll go right in there when you’re finished.” She pointed across the hall.

I nodded, went in the bathroom, and did my business. Once in the room, she asked me all the questions I’d just answered. I had a hard time not laughing at this prediction. “I’ll go and check your test, and the doctor will be in with your results.” She smiled as she left me there, swinging my feet from the table. It was quiet, and felt like an eternity when it was maybe ten minutes.

There was a knock, and the doctor appeared. She was smiling, and I hoped it meant good news. “Well, you were right, you’re pregnant.” Her smile widened. It took a minute for it to sink in. All the excitement from the night before came rushing back. “Do you have an OB already? We can give you some recommendations if not.”

“I do, thank you.” I grinned. It was hard not to at this point. I internally yelled at myself for ever being afraid.

“You’ll need to set up an appointment in the next week or so to go in and have your bloodwork drawn. They’ll set you up with your regular exams, and let you know about genetic testing and all that.” She began rummaging through a drawer in the counter. “Based on getting positive results when you did, I’d say you’re about five weeks along. That puts your due date around January 20th. Your OB can fine tune that. Do you have any questions for me?”

“Can I have coffee?” I sounded desperate, but I was already getting a headache from skipping my morning cup.

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