Page 36 of With Every Breath

“Yes, well we’ve noticed some things, and we need to talk to you about them. Is your husband available to bring you?”

I glanced over at Dex in a panic. Why would he need to come? “He’s here, but he’s working. Can’t you just tell me now?” I stammered.

“We’d really like to talk to you in person. Say two o’clock?” the voice chirped.

“Oh…ok. Two o’clock.” My voice went monotone. I stared out at nothing as every possibility ran through my brain. Something was wrong with the baby. It had to be. This is why I wasn’t sick today. Something happened, and I’ve been fooling myself thinking that everything was fine.

I dropped the phone on the couch. “Hey, babe!” I called. “Can you come in here?” My voice trembled as I held back tears.

Dex came wandering around the corner. When he saw me, he rushed over. “What’s wrong?” He knelt in front of me.

“That was the doctor calling. They want me to come back today. Something’s wrong with the baby.” I forced the words out before the tears broke free.

“Did they say that?” He began looking around like he could find the answer here on the walls or something. I didn’t respond. I was going numb. I was resorting to my old habits of not feeling. “Honey!” He shook me slightly. “Did they tell you something was wrong with the baby?” I shook my head. “Ok, then it might be nothing.”

“It’s something. They want you to come too,” I muttered.

“It’s probably just the doctor wanting to talk to us about things you should or shouldn’t be doing.” He laughed. “You’re getting upset for nothing, I’m sure.” Dex always had the positive attitude, and now was no different. I was afraid that it wasn’t going to be enough though, and we were going to face our biggest obstacle yet.

Time seemed to stop. I sat on our couch, just staring off into space. I’d glance at the clock every few minutes, or so I thought, until I’d notice only one minute had passed. I tapped my feet on the carpet, tried to think of anything positive, attempted to eat lunch, and that’s when my stomach revolted.

ooooooooo

Two o’clock finally came, and we were walking into the doctor’s office holding hands. We were a united front against whatever good or bad news was coming our way. We were ushered back to Dr. Pratt’s office and not an exam room, which I thought was odd.

“Have a seat. She’ll be in shortly.” The nurse motioned to two chairs that were in front of a large oak desk.

Dex waited for me to sit, and then joined me. I looked around at all the pictures on the wall. There was one section covered in baby pictures. “Must be all the babies she’s delivered,” Dex mused. I nodded in agreement. It was then that the door started to open.

“Sorry, I had an appointment run over a little.” Dr. Pratt smiled.

“That’s ok.” Dex started to stand. Dr. Pratt motioned for us to stay seated.

“I wanted to talk to you about some test results, and possible outcomes.” She sat across from us, behind her desk. She was holding a manila folder.

“Ok. Is something wrong? Yesterday you told me everything was fine.” I was confused.

“Yesterday, I thought everything was. On the surface, everything looked normal, but sometimes our bodies hide stuff.” She sighed and a look of pity seemed to cloud her face. “Your bloodwork came back abnormal.” She paused, and I knew what was coming. My stomach sank, as a roaring sound began to fill my ears. I reached over and squeezed Dex’s hand. “I want to run a few more tests, but it seems as though you’re out of remission.”

“It’s back,” I whispered. “Why is this happening now?” I sounded like a machine.

“There are treatments. We’ve caught it early.” She smiled at me as if my whole world weren’t falling apart right in front of me.

“No.” I shook my head as I started to stand.

“Wait? What?” Dex finally joined the conversation. “Treatments?”

“No!” I said a little more forcefully.

“Bailey. I just want to go over your options.” Dr. Pratt softened her voice.

“No treatments. I’ll be back in a month for my next visit.” I stood and stormed toward the door, anger, pain, determination coursing through me. Dex followed, a little slower, and much more bewildered. I don’t know how or why, but I’d had a sinking feeling all day. It was my body’s way of preparing for this.

ooooooooo

The ride home was in silence. I stared at the blue sky, watched the clouds float, and pictured my baby smiling back at me. I was going to give her the life I’d promised when I first found out about her, and nothing was going to stop me… not even cancer.

“We need to talk about this,” Dex called out as he followed me into the house. He still didn’t get it, I don’t think.

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