Page 37 of With Every Breath

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve done this before. I know what’s coming, and I’m not doing this right now.” Anger surfaced as the shock wore off.

“What do you mean right now?” Dex tossed his arms out from his sides.

“She wants me to get treatment. Do you know what that is?” I screamed. I wasn’t angry at him, but at the universe. Dex was just the one who was there. “It means chemo. It means hurting this baby. A pregnancy can’t survive chemo. She’s going to want me to terminate this pregnancy.” I started crying at this point. “I’m not doing that.”

“But you could die.” Dex seemed shocked that I would even entertain the idea of not fighting this.

“Maybe, but I’m not terminating. I’ll get treatment after she’s born.” I nodded as if the decision were made.

“You don’t get to decide this on your own. This is something we need to talk about. We need to hear the doctor out. Maybe there’s another way!” Dex screamed back in frustration.

“There is no other treatment. Don’t you see? This is what I’ve been running from since the day we met. You made me forget and love again. You made me want things that I should have never wanted, and now it’s all going to be taken away!” I stomped my foot. The amount of hate that I had for this situation was greater than anything I’d ever felt.

“Bay, I can’t lose you. You have to fight this.” He began to beg.

“I will, once she’s safe.” My eyes went to my belly.

Dex pulled his phone from his pocket, and began dialing.

“What are you doing?” I moved closer.

“Calling the doctor.” A tear fell from the corner of his eye. “There has to be another option.”

“There isn’t. Chemo is the only way. I’m not doing that to the baby we’ve tried so hard to have. I’ll get treatment once she’s born.” I moved closer, and wiped the tear away. “I’ll be ok. You’ll see.” I offered a sad smile as I headed toward the bedroom.

The truth was, I had no idea if I’d be ok, but I was sure this baby would be. I was going to fight like hell. I’d done it before, and I could do it again. I’d bring this baby to term, and then fight to stay with her.

I laid down on the bed, and called Madi. After telling her the news, I called my parents. My mom tried the same argument as Dex, and I told her the same thing I told him. I was having this baby.

ooooooooo

Like clockwork, everything I’d thought was in the past, began rearing its ugly head. I rushed to the bathroom when I woke up. As I was dry heaving over the toilet, I got my first nosebleed. I had a hard time not laughing at the irony of the situation. I was puking without having the chemo. I groaned as I laid my head on the toilet seat. I was tired, and had a new bruise on my elbow. I hadn’t thought I’d start feeling like this so fast, but it could have been my body’s acceptance of the situation.

I was almost twelve weeks along now, and starting to show a little. I spent a lot of time at home, or on the sidelines at practice. I’d told the parents about my pregnancy and that Madi would be leading practices. I kept the cancer bit to myself. Other than Madi and my family, no one other than Dex and I knew. I didn’t want to be treated differently, and it really wasn’t their business.

My doctor has finally accepted my choice. She’s been working with my oncologist to prepare a treatment for as soon as the baby’s far enough along to deliver safely. I agreed to be induced once the baby’s lungs are developed enough to survive outside the womb. Dex still hasn’t made peace with my choice. I think he’s worried that I’m giving the baby more priority than myself, but I can’t help it. That motherly instinct that you get when you become a mom has already kicked in for me.

“You ready?” Dex stuck his head around the bedroom door.

“Almost.” I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked a little sunken in, and my skin was pale. Dex was taking me out to dinner tonight. We’ve been trying to spend as much time together as we can while I still feel up to it. He has something else planned too, but won’t say what it is.

“You look beautiful.” He smiled softly.

“I look sick,” I murmured. He was sweet for saying something, but I knew I looked terrible. My body was fighting a losing battle, and I wasn’t giving it any weapons. I was shielding my most precious asset, and letting myself take on all the firepower. I only hoped when this baby came that I had enough gas left in the tank to fight back.

Chapter 18

Dex

The last few weeks have been the hardest I’ve ever had. How do you watch someone you love disappear before your eyes? How do you sit back and know that even though they’re in pain, there’s nothing you can do? I don’t even feel like a man anymore. I’ve been watching each day as my wife slowly slips away.

Bailey’s six months along now. Dr. Pratt wants to deliver the baby when we get to thirty weeks. It seems like forever before we’ll get there, but at the same time the days fly by. I’ve stopped sleeping much at night. I find myself lying there, just staring at her. Bailey sleeps a lot. She doesn’t eat much, and she spends a lot of her time just conserving enough energy to function. I know that her will to bring this baby into the world is what’s keeping her going. I don’t know how her parents did this all those years ago.

“Are you ready?” I smiled as I stuck my head through our bedroom door. I’d convinced her to come outside with me. I’ve been trying to take advantage of every moment we have.

“I just need to get my shoes on.” She sighed. She finished tying them and stood, swaying slightly on her feet. Her belly was round, and made her thin frame almost look alien-like.

I held my hand out. “Well, let’s get started.”

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