Page 40 of With Every Breath

I was fighting. Couldn’t he see that? I was fighting with everything I had, but I was losing. This battle was me against everything. My body was tired, my heart hurt, and my mind was trying to make peace with everything. I had a beautiful baby who needed her father, and I needed to know that they would both be ok. I needed peace, and I needed to do whatever it took to get there, and fast.

ooooooooo

My eyelids feel like a weight is hanging on them. No matter how hard I fight to open them, they stay closed. My lips are dry, cracked, and rough. I’ve tried licking them a few times, but it doesn’t seem to help. My body aches. It’s a constant reminder of my reality. The beeping of the monitor lets me know I’m here.

I hear a sigh, and then feel his hand. A welcoming comfort to the harsh reality of life. “I’m going to get something to eat. I’ll be back in a few.” He squeezes my hand to make sure I heard him, and I squeeze back. I fight to nod, but it’s just too much.

As I hear the door click shut, I let myself fall back to sleep. Surrendering to my dreams where nothing hurts, and my baby’s ok.

ooooooooo

Dex

A month doesn’t seem that long, but when the days bleed together it feels like an eternity. I know these halls by heart. I’ve walked them every day for the last forty-six days. The nurses all know me. They smile when they see me, and nod. It’s as if they know what I’m thinking, and they are trying to offer comfort. I’ve been home a few times. My mom moved in three weeks ago to help. She begs me to sleep at home, but I can’t. I need to be near her. She’d want me to be near her. Her sacrifice needs to mean something, and me being here does exactly that.

Every moment of every day is important, and the one thing that Bailey’s taught me is…Live every day as if it were your last. You never know when it all might end.

ooooooooo

Life is full of hard moments, and sometimes I wonder where the strength to get through them comes from. Today, we are going home. Other than a few hours here and there, I haven’t been home except to grab clean clothes and shower. My mom’s been taking care of Ava, and I wonder if my daughter will even know me now.

“Mrs. Slone?” A nurse popped her head through the door as Bailey was slipping on her fuzzy socks. “Hospice has been notified, and should be by this evening to get everything ready. Your nurse will be beginning her visits tonight.”

“Thank you.” Bailey sat on the edge of the bed. I scurried around the room, packing all of our personal things that had littered all the countertops and windowsills.

“Someone will be by shortly to take you down. Mr. Sloan, you can drive around to the front to meet us now.”

“You ok for a bit?” I tried to hold it together, but I hadn’t been very successful lately.

ooooooooo

Bailey

“I’m good. I wanna go home.” I forced a smile, and waved him off. Once he was out of the room, I let go. I’d been holding on for so long, and I finally was getting what I wanted… to be home with my baby.

“I’m sorry.” The nurse lightly touched my shoulder.

I silently nodded as the tears came. I couldn’t help it. Being strong wasn’t in the cards today. Today was a day of acceptance… a moment in time when I learned to let go.

It seemed like an eternity before my transport arrived. As we rode the elevator down to the first floor, I counted the lights above the door. Twenty-three. I was wheeled out to the curb where Dex was waiting with the car. He hopped out and opened the passenger door. I slowly stood, with assistance, and lowered myself onto the seat. This might be the last time I do this, I thought as I buckled the seatbelt. Everyone was going to be coming to me.

When we got home, Dex made me promise to stay in the car. He rushed to the front door with our things before coming back for me. He opened my door, bent down, and lifted me into his arms. He cradled me against his chest, and I placed my head gently against his shoulder. I sniffed as a laugh bubbled out. “This is like after our wedding.” I cried.

“I can’t let my girl not be carried over the threshold.” He chuckled as he kicked at the door, bringing me inside. Hospice had brought a bed that morning, so I’d be sleeping in the living room now. Dex sat me on the edge of the bed, and helped me get comfortable.

“Where is she?” I glanced around, looking for my daughter.

“Right here.” Julia, Dex’s mom, rounded the corner carrying the tiny pink bundle. “She’s excited to see her mom.” She stretched her arms out, handing over the baby.

The feeling I had holding her in our home was something I couldn’t really put into words. Her tiny lips were pursed together as if she were sucking. One tiny fist gripped the blanket she was wrapped in. She settled in my arms so naturally.

“How am I going to do this?” I looked up at Dex. His eyes were red, and he wiped angrily at the falling tears. “How can I leave her?”

“You can’t.” Dex swallowed and turned away. “I need a minute.” He rushed toward our bedroom, leaving me there with Ava.

“I love you,” I whispered as I kissed her forehead. “I love you more than anything.” I struggled to shift on the bed. I needed to lie down. I was weak and the travel from the hospital home was wiping me out.

“Let me take her for a moment.” Julia reached for the baby. I handed her over, and then slowly moved to lie on my side. Once I was situated and comfortable, she handed the baby back. Ava snuggled into my chest, and I cradled her there, just basking in the moment. She smelled like baby powder and sunshine.

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