Page 41 of With Every Breath

“Thank you,” I whispered to Julia.

“I’m going to check on my son. If you need anything, press this.” She handed me a fob that was connected to an alarm that would sound if I needed anything. It was mainly for at night when everyone was sleeping, but worked when the nurses weren’t there to help.

“Tell him it’s not her fault.” I stared at Ava, knowing that Dex has confided in her that he thinks I’d be fine if we hadn’t had the baby. “Make sure he knows that. He’s going to be a great dad, and she’s going to love him more than he can ever imagine.”

“He knows.” She patted my shoulder softly before following in Dex’s wake.

They call it comfort care, but there’s nothing comforting about it. To have the knowledge that you’re dying, but you don’t know when… how can that be comforting? The constant worry, always thinking that I might not be there the next day… it’s maddening. I watch my daughter, afraid to miss anything, and knowing that I’m going to miss everything. First steps, first word, first smile, first day of school, and so much more. When I think about it, my chest tightens beyond belief. It’s like I’m struggling to breathe, and can’t do anything about it. Every night I close my eyes, saying a prayer that I’ll wake in the morning, and every morning I’m thankful I do despite the pain and suffering I’m going through. The morphine helps with the physical stuff, but the mental and emotional is the worst, and there is no medicine for that.

Chapter 20

Bailey

It’s been three weeks. Spring is in the air, and the warm breeze off the ocean can be felt from our front porch. It’s become my favorite spot in our house. I asked Dex to wheel me out there yesterday, and I spent most of the day just smelling the spring air. My flowers are blooming, and Julia has made sure they are tended to.

Today, Dex brought Ava’s bouncy chair out too. She’s been cooing and kicking beside me. He’s checked on her a few times, but let me have my time with her. I hope she remembers me. I hold her close when I can, praying that she remembers my smell, my face, the sound of my voice, anything. I started writing letters yesterday. One for her first day of school, one for her thirteenth birthday, one for her sweet sixteen, one for graduation, one for college graduation, and one for her wedding day. I was emotionally exhausted when I finished, but still made Dex promise me he’d give them to her.

We’ve been arguing a lot lately. I think it’s because I’ve accepted what’s happening. I’m trying to make peace with the situation and be there for the moments I have left. Dex thinks I’m giving up. He tells me every day that I need to fight. What he doesn’t know is, I am, but there’s only so much I can do. Between the naps and nosebleeds, I’ve been fighting to stay awake and spend my time with him and our daughter. It’s killing me to know I’m going to miss it all, but I can’t change that. I know that now, and I just hope that he figures it out before it’s too late. I don’t want to leave him angry. I want him to be at peace, too.

ooooooooo

Madi called this morning and is supposed to be here any minute. She wanted to update me on this year’s team, and talk about anything but this illness.

“What’s up, Chica?” I heard her shout as she flung open her car door.

I laughed as I smiled for the first time in a week. “I’m practicing my bench sitting skills,” I teased. I was actually feeling decent today. My nurse, Pam, says it’s the sunshine.

“It’s so nice out. I see can why.” She rushed up the stairs, carrying a bag in her hand. “I’ve missed you.” She pulled a chair over and flopped into it.

“Same. How’s life?” I yawned. I hadn’t taken my usual nap today, and was really sleepy because of it.

“Oh, you know. Grumpy kids, parents who think they know everything, and lots of people worried about you.” She shrugged as she started rummaging in the bag. “I brought you some treats.”

She handed over a stack of Cosmos. “Thought you might like some reading material that didn’t involve treatments or baby advice.” She laughed. “Oh, and I can’t forget these.” She winked as she tossed a giant bag of Twizzlers into my lap. “I know how much you used to love those things. I thought it might be good to remember good memories.” Her eyes started to tear up. “I’m sorry.” She turned away. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.”

“It’s ok.” I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Pretend this isn’t happening. Tell me about what you’ve been doing.”

“Between taking over coaching, and trying out this new dating app, my life has been pretty busy.” She wiped at her eyes.

“Wait! Dating app?” I was intrigued. All the time we’ve been friends, Madi hasn’t really had a serious relationship.

“It’s nothing. It doesn’t seem to work anyway.” She laughed it off.

“What do you mean? Are you looking to meet people?” I was curious. She’d never seemed to care that she was single. Always made jokes about it.

“I just want someone in my life. I’m gonna lose my best friend. I have to find a suitable replacement,” she muttered.

“Well, a dating app isn’t going to work for that. I’m irreplaceable,” I joked. “You’ll be lucky to find someone who comes close.”

“I know.” She sighed as she leaned against my shoulder.

“Will you promise me something?” I’d been holding off on this for a while, but since she was here, I wanted to address it.

“Anything.” We stared out at the front yard.

“Will you make sure they’re ok? Dex and Ava. I need to know that someone will watch out for them, and make sure they find happiness.” I swallowed. I could feel the tears coming, and I refused to cry again.

“I will.” She lifted her head and looked me in the eyes. “I’ll make sure they both have a great life, and remember you.” She pressed her lips together as tears began to stream from her eyes. “You’re my best friend, Bay. I love you, and I love them because they love you. You guys are my family. I’d trade places with you, if I could.” She flung her arms around me in a tight hug. “Cancer sucks.” It was muffled from where she had her face buried against my robe.

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