Page 17 of Something More

“A mistake. I shouldn’t have come here tonight.” He voice was barely a whisper. “Every part of me was saying to stay away.”

“Then why didn’t you?! I don’t know what you want from me, and I can’t do this.” I started to pace. I’d been fighting the way I felt for days. I’d been trying to be the bigger person and pretend that it wasn’t painful to see him every day, and now this.

“I want to not want you.” He turned, his eyes shimmering. He sniffed as if he were trying to not let his feelings show. “You wrecked me, and now it’s like I’m ready to let you do it again. What happens the next time he tells you no? You gonna stand up to him?” His voice was getting louder, and I pointed to the house, reminding him that my son was sleeping inside.

“It’s not about what I want anymore. It’s about him. I came back for him.” I released a deep sigh as I sat in a chair. “I’m not a kid anymore. My father isn’t going to dictate who I’m with.” I leaned forward, holding my head in my hands. It was spinningat this point, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I knew I still had feelings for Hank though, and I knew I needed to figure out what I was going to do with that.

“Would you have come back if you didn’t have Jack?” Hank stopped pacing right in front of me. “If you were single and didn’t have him, would you have come back to take over the farm?”

I slowly lifted my head, letting my eyes meet his. “I don’t know.” I was trying to be honest, but seeing his reaction told me he didn’t expect that answer. “I’ve been gone so long, I don’t know if I’d come back not knowing what’s here. Just trying to be upfront.” I shrugged. “I’ve been hurting too, ya know.” I sprung to my feet. “Leaving here was hard for me. Marrying someone else was hard. I’d been planning our wedding since I was seventeen. Having all that taken away was hard, but I moved on because I had to.”

The swirl of emotions that crossed Hank’s face said that I was losing this battle, and he didn’t believe anything I was saying. “Do you know what it’s like to love two people? I loved Alex, but I was in love with you. You weren’t around, so it was easy for me to push you out of my head. If I’d stayed, no one would have been able to fit in my heart because you filled it.” I moved closer and rolled up my sleeve. “I still have mine, too.”

He glanced down, held my wrist with one hand, and traced the infinity sign with the index finger of his other hand. “I always wondered about this,” he murmured.

“I couldn’t get rid of it either. It’s a part of my past.” I pulled my wrist from his grasp.

“So what are we doing here, because I can’t continue to pretend that I don’t feel somethin’ when I see you.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

My head was at war with my heart. Could I go back there and let him consume me because that’s what would happen. Iwas so head over heels in love with him that most days I didn’t know which way was up. “I don’t know.”

“That’s not good enough, Codie. You’re an adult. I’m an adult. We have feelings for each other. Why not try?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet,” I muttered as I looked away. It was a cop out, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Bullshit!” he growled. “You just let me put my tongue in your mouth. Whether you wanna believe it or not, you’re ready.” He stepped in front of me, cupping my face in his hands once more. “Go on a date with me, a real date where I come and pick you up, not one where we meet at the end of the drive to avoid getting caught.” He bent his knees, so we’d be eye level.

“What about Jack?” I was running out of reasons to say no.

“Ask your mom or one of your sisters to babysit. I’m not gonna hide us this time around. I’m gonna tell everyone that you’re my girl.” His eyes darted across my face. “Say yes.”

“Ok, yes, but not tomorrow. I need to talk to Jack about this. I’ve haven’t been out with anyone since Alex passed. He’s not going to understand.”

“Saturday, then. We’ll get dinner and talk.” He stood up and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “There’s so much I want to talk about,” he murmured against my hair. “So much I wanna know.”

*****

Dakota

“Mom? Can I just sleep in the big house tonight? Grandma said it was ok.” Jack flopped down on my bed. Hank was taking me out tonight, and my mom was watching Jack.

“If you really want to.” I smiled as I pulled out a dress and appraised it.

“Not that one—” Jack wrinkled his nose “—the pink one.” He grinned. “You look really pretty in pink.” He nodded matter-of-factly.

“You think so?” I reached for the pink dress with the little blue flowers on it.

“Daddy always said pink was your color.” Jack’s smile dropped and a lost look replaced it. “I mean, I like the pink,” he stammered.

“Jack.” I sighed as I tossed the dress to the side and sat down beside him. “Is this weird for you? If you didn’t mean what you said the other day, it’s ok. I can stay home.” I rubbed the top of his head.

“No, I want you to go. It’s just… we never talk about Dad, and I don’t wanna make you sad, but I feel like we’re forgetting him.” His lip quivered and he wiped at his eyes.

“We can talk about Dad whenever you want. This isn’t going to change who your dad is.” I opened my arms, and he crawled into my lap. Jack hadn’t wanted to cuddle much as he’d gotten older, but there were days that I could tell he just needed it. “Dad and I loved each other very much, and I am sad that he isn’t here anymore, but Dad would want us to be happy. He’s the one who made me promise to move back here.” I hugged him tight. “You can always talk to me about anything.”

“I know. Do you think we could all go out together sometime?” He grinned up at me.

“How about we go do something fun next weekend? You think of something you’d want to do, and we’ll ask Hank if he wants to join us.”

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