Page 31 of Love, Luck & Clusterf*ck

I reached over for the vodka and noticed that it was also unopened. “What is this for?”

“To celebrate if I’m not. Or chug it all down if I am.” A tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another.

“Oh, Christa.” I ripped off a wad of toilet paper and wiped her face. “How late are you?”

“About a week.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” I hated the thought of her going through that alone.

“I didn’t want to think about it. I kept hoping…. Then when the weekend came and went, I got really scared.”

“So, a week. Are you sure? Maybe there was a chance you messed up your dates and—”

“No. Remember at your sister’s last weekend? I was supposed to get it around then. I felt like I was going to get it at any second while sitting on that damn couch.” Her voice was picking up, sounding panicky. “In fact, I’d never been so sure in my life that I was going to get it. It felt like my fucking uterus was being used as a bouncy house.”

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to voice it out loud, but I was even more scared shitless for her. I recalled Sam telling me that when she was pregnant, she’d felt the same way. She was never more sure that she’d be getting her period that month, then surprise!Fuck.

“But maybe I was feeling that way because my body sensed that Dickhead was near. My ovaries were probably trying to self-destruct.” She tried laughing but failed. It came out as a ragged noise.

“I’m here for you now, okay? And I’m going to stay right here, so let’s just figure this out. You need to take one of these tests.” She didn’t say anything. “Which one do you want to start with?” I picked up the light purple box and scanned the directions. I didn’t know what the fuck was what. I’d never taken one of these things before.

“I can’t,” she said. “Not now.”

God, my heart squeezed for her. “You have to know, Christa,” I said softly. “Once you do, we can figure out where to go from there. I’ll help you. But we can’t do any of that until you know for sure.”

“I want to stay in this moment for as long as I can. Right now, the cat is both alive and dead. I’d prefer never alive to begin with.”

“What?”

“Schrodinger’s cat. Physics class. Mr. Thompson.”

What the fuck? Okay, I vaguely remembered that, but we were not back in high school and…. “Christa, what—”

“I just want to keep believing that I’m not pregnant for as long as I can. Once I take that test, both possibilities will no longer exist.”

“But what if it’s negative?”

“What if it’s not?”

“Then we’ll go from there.” I felt so fucking sick for her. “Do you know whose it could be?” Silence. I took that as a no.Fuck. “Can you at least narrow it down?” Silence.Fuck.

Fuuuuuuuuck. I dropped my chin to my chest. How could this happen? Unlike me, she wasn’t on the pill. It caused her too many problems. But like me, she used condoms. Or at least I thought she did. It wasn’t like I was in the fucking room with her holding a clipboard and checking to make sure she was safe every time she screwed some guy.

“I’m a fuckup, Perry. I guess I’m not as responsible as you think I am.”

“Stop it, Christa. You are not a fuckup, not even close.”

“I’ll take a test soon. Promise. Just not yet, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Don’t leave me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

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