Page 62 of Wish You Would

“The baby is probably the size of a large bean right now.”

Briar’s eyes turn glassy right before she looks down at her stomach and places a hand on it. Her lower lip trembles. Fuck, I wish I could ease her mind. I wish I knew what to say. I hate that we’re about to meet the doctor who will bring our baby into the world, and I am nothing but… Briar’s friend? Fake boyfriend? Both feel all wrong. What I really want is for Briar to be mine.

Her cautious eyes meet mine. “I know this a lot for you, Holden. It feels the same way for me too. But thank you forbeing here with me. I know this would be a lot scarier if I was doing it alone”

Well, damn. There’s a sincerity in her voice that calms my racing pulse. She wants me here with her. Even though I am still trying to wrap my mind around being a father, I’m grateful she is giving me this chance to be involved.

“I wouldn’t miss this. Not for anything. Thank you for allowing me to be here.”

“This is just as much your baby as it is mine, Holden.”

I nod right as the doctor walks in, a woman who looks like she’s in her forties and introduces herself to us as Dr. St. Claire. She extends a hand for Briar to shake before turning her attention to me. I wipe my clammy hands on my jeans.

“You must be Dad?”

Dad.That’s the first time anyone has referred to me as that. I’m left momentarily speechless before I gather my thoughts, shake her hand and nod.

I pride myself on being cool even in the most chaotic circumstances, but right now I am a bundle of nerves. For god’s sake, get it together, Holden.

“I understand you took a positive home pregnancy test,” the doctor says, taking a seat at the end of the exam table with a comforting expression on her face. “How are you feeling, Briar?”

Briar relaxes slightly. “Very nauseous but I’ve only vomited a few times in the last couple of weeks. Other than that, just a little tired.”

“All very normal.” Dr. St. Claire smiles before standing and removing a blood pressure cuff from where it is kept on the wall. “I’m going to do a few tests then we’ll have a look at the baby.”

Briar slips off the light sweater she’s wearing and hands it to me before Dr. St. Clair takes her blood pressure, thenher temperature. She asks Briar a few questions and then asks her to lie back on the exam bed. Briar’s eyes flick to the ceiling when she tells her she is going to need to insert a wand inside of her to see the baby.

“Is this your first baby?” she asks, slipping on a pair of latex gloves.

“Yes, for both of us,” Briar answers, turning her head so she’s looking at me, fear and anticipation swimming in her eyes. “If we both seem a little nervous, that’s probably why.”

“Also perfectly normal. Most first-time parentsarea little nervous. I’m happy to answer any question you have.” The doctor has a wand in one hand and a bottle of gel in the other. “This might be a little uncomfortable.” She squeezes a clear gel on the wand before slipping it inside of Briar. After pressing a few buttons on her keyboard, a fuzzy gray image fills the screen. The doctor explains what she is looking for, but my attention shifts to Briar as she reaches for my hand. I lace my hand in hers before looking at the fuzzy image with a dark circle. Within the image is a small, bean-shaped baby.

“There is your baby.” The doctor points to the screen. “And that flicker right there is your baby’s heartbeat.” Briar exhales a long sigh of relief, her eyes glued to the screen. I lean closer to Briar so I can get a better view of our baby— the baby I made with Bee. That’s our tiny miracle. The internet was right. It looks like a little bean, but it isourlittle bean, and it has a heartbeat. Briar gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. This is good news. She is just as relieved as I am. I notice the tears welling in the corners of her eyes. It’s surreal, such a gift to see a life growing inside her.

“Let’s see if we can hear the heartbeat. Sometimes it’s too early,” the doctor says before a click of a few buttons. Withinseconds there’s a steady whooshing sound that fills the quiet room.

“Your baby’s heart rate is 150 beats per minute,” she says after a moment. “Completely normal.”

It’s a boy. From what I read online, 150 is on the lower side and that means the chances are higher that it’s a boy. I look down at Briar, who is still smiling at the image of our baby on the screen.

“You’re measuring eight weeks along, and baby looks great,” the doctor confirms. “It’s too early to tell if it’s a boy or a girl. If you want to, you can find that out at your mid-pregnancy ultrasound around 20 weeks or a blood test around 11 weeks. Until then, I’d like to see you once a month to monitor the baby. I’ll ask you to come in more frequently at around 31 weeks. Now, let’s find out when your baby is due.” A few seconds later, she gives us the due date: May 9th.

She clicks a few buttons on her computer then removes the wand. She prints off a few photos before asking us if we have any questions before we leave.

“Is there anything that Briar shouldn’t do? Anything that isn’t safe for our baby?” I ask, feeling a little awkward.

“No raw fish or unpasteurized foods and limit your caffeine. Take your prenatal vitamins, eat a balanced diet, stay active. Most dads appreciate being reassured that having regular sex is fine. In fact, it is great for relieving stress. Near the end it can also help induce labor. Briar, you may also find that you have an increased sex drive, so have all the sex you want.”

I file that information away as Dr. St. Claire shakes both of our hands and leaves the room. Briar and I exit the clinic a few minutes later.

“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” she asks.

“It’s a boy, I know it.”

“Why do you think that?”

“You heard the heart rate. It was low and from everything I’ve read, that means it’s a boy.”

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