Page 93 of Wish You Would

Holden: Sounds good, but I have to stop at my mom’s to help her with her garage door. I’m not sure how long I’ll be.

Tossing the device onto my desk, I stare up at the ceiling in frustration. I’m disappointed that I may not see him tonight since things feel so tense between us, but I know Holden well enough to know that if someone he cares about needs him, he’ll be there for them as soon as he can. That’s one of the things I love about him.

There are just so many things I want to say to Holden. I wish I knew how he is feeling. I wish I had the guts to ask him. But I’m too afraid of what his answer will be to have that conversation.

A few minutes later, after I’ve composed myself, I pick up my phone and reply.

Briar: Say hi to your moms for me. I’ll save you some pasta. Have a good night.

I stare at my phone, willing him to answer.

Say something.

Say anything.

Tell me you love me.

Tell me to stay.

He doesn’t reply, and my heart hurtles to the ground.

I’m trying not to spiral, but the overwhelming feeling that he’s shutting me out eats at me. If I was braver, I would tell him that moving in with him on Haven Harbor is the best thing to ever happen to me. I would tell him that I never want to leave, that my home is wherever he is.

But I can’t.

The fear of being rejected is too overwhelming.

So instead of calling Holden, I chew on my bottom lip while my heart continues to ache, missing him. I know deep down that it’s irrational, but that’s the way insecurities work.

The soundof Birdie’s laughter floats across the lawn as I cross the road from the beach.

She and Jake are kicking a soccer ball around, something they do most nights after dinner. Slipping my sunglasses onto my head, a smile tips my lips. The evening sun is shining down on Birdie even though it’s chilly, but it pales in comparison to the smile on her face when she sees me.

“Auntie Bee,” she hollers, running to the edge of the lawn and throwing her arms around my thighs before herlittle hand drifts to my belly. “Have you named the baby, yet? I have a few good ideas if you want to hear them.”

“Of course I do. I want to hear them all,” I tell her, smoothing her hair and placing my hand next to hers over my shirt. I’m wearing one of Holden’s old baseball T-shirts under my puffer jacket, my belly stretching the thin cotton. It’s still warm enough to wear my jacket unzipped, but in a few hours when the sun sets, there will be a deep chill.

“Walking by yourself?” Jake asks, lightly kicking the soccer ball in Birdie’s direction. “Did you lose Holden?”

“He’s at his mom’s,” I answer, looking down at my shoes. “It’s feeling like my after-dinner walks will be coming to an end soon, so I’m enjoying them while I can, with or without him.”

“Getting tired?”

“I’m definitely slowing down.” Between work and the baby stealing my energy, I have very little left in my tank these days. Most nights after dinner and my evening walk, I’ve been curling up on the couch to watch a show. Most of the time, I fall asleep halfway through.

“Why don’t you join us? We were just going to the backyard to sit around the fire table. Birdie wants to roast marshmallows and Everly is going to meet us out there after she’s done putting West down.”

“I don’t want to impose.”

“Come on, Auntie Bee. Please.” Birdie picks up her soccer ball and tosses it to her dad while I melt a little at hearing her call me Auntie Bee.

“Okay, one marshmallow, then I better head home.”

“Yay!” she hollers, then she takes off for the back yard. When she’s out of sight, Jake’s eyes lock on mine.

“I haven’t heard from Holden in a few days. Tell him ifhe doesn’t start returning my calls, I’m going to come knock down his door.”

I shouldn’t be happy that he hasn’t heard from Holden either, but it gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe it isn’t just me that he’s pushing away. Maybe there’s something else that’s weighing on his mind. I wish I knew what is really going on with him so that I can stop second-guessing everything.

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