Page 31 of My Heart To Heal

My stomach falls through the earth as my heart races. I know it’s him — it has to be him. Last night, I was confident that I could do this, that I could be fun and free and in control of this situation, but now all I feel is nervous and jittery. I saw a window into a different man last night, one who winks and smirks and growls and…

‘Mama, somebody at the door,’ Jonah says helpfully, and I straighten, taking a deep breath before heading over and opening it.

‘Hey.’ He smiles, and I return the gesture, apparently unable to say any actual words. ‘Uh, can I see Jonah?’

My eyebrows lift. I wasn’t expecting that.

‘Um, sure.’ I step back and invite him inside. ‘Jonah, honey. Nick’s here to see you.’

I watch as my boy looks up at him but doesn’t run to him as he usually would.

‘Hey, bud, can I come in and talk to you for a sec?’

Jonah nods and Nick makes his way over as I close the door and return to my carrots. He’s in my home, with the door closed… This is okay. This is fine.

I watch as Nick lowers to sit on the ground beside Jonah, a small bag behind his back.

‘Listen, Jonah. I want to say sorry to you.’ Jonah puts his pen down and gives Nick his full attention. ‘Last night, when you gave me the cookies you made, I was grumpy, and I was ungrateful.’ I hear him take a breath as Jonah sits and waits. I smile. He’s definitely my kid. ‘Do you know what ungrateful means?’ Jonah nods, and Nick does the same. ‘Of course, you do because you’re super smart.’ He ruffles his hair, and my ovaries throb.

‘So, I had a bad few days, and I wasn’t in a very happy mood, and because grown-ups can be a little silly sometimes, I was kinda mean, and I didn’t thank you.’

‘It was bad manners,’ Jonah says confidently, and I see Nick’s head bob in agreement.

‘It was bad manners, kiddo, you’re right, and I’m realsorry.’

‘Mama said you’re a mean man, and you could use some sugar to make you be nicer.’

‘Jesus,Jonah.’

I sigh, and Nick laughs.

‘Well, I think she’s right because I tried your cookies, and they were amazing, Jonah. They made me much happier.’

‘They did?’

‘They did, and I was much nicer after I ate them, right, Missy?’

I swallow hard, then nod, yes, as heat rushes up my neck.

‘You were nice to Mama?’

I gasp, and Nick chuckles softly. ‘Uh, yeah, I was nice to your mama.’

Jonah grins as I try to push down the pink that I know is rising up my cheeks.

‘Did you like the sprinkles?’

My son asks, oblivious to the amount of sweat currently collecting under my arms.

‘Are you kidding me? The sprinkles were the best part,’ Nick replies enthusiastically, and Jonah beams. ‘Listen, Jonah, you and I are friends, right?’ My boy nods, yes, unable to hide his smile now. ‘Okay, if I’m ever grumpy again, or if you think I’m being mean, can you tellme? Because friends hold their friends accountable for their actions. Do you understand what I mean?’

‘I think so.’

‘I promise that I’ll always do my best to be a good friend to you, and you promise to tell me if I’m being grumpy, okay?’

Jonah nods and Nick reaches behind him for the bag.

‘Because I felt really bad that I’d made you a little sad last night, I got you something, but you have to ask your mama if you can have it, okay?’

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