Page 60 of My Heart To Heal

Spending time at the cabin, cleaning it up, and planning a few ways to modernize it has been a small distraction and has given us both the space we need, but after the hike on Sunday, we ate pizza with Jonah, and I spent the whole time imagining a life with them. I could do it, I decided. I could be her friend and the man she sleeps with forever if she’d give me that. The alternative — losing them, that I couldn’t do.

‘Look, it’s an elephant in the room, okay, but we’ll both try not to make it weird.’

‘Elephants drop huge shits, man,’ he says, and I tilt my head at him, confused, and he laughs. ‘I’m just saying, the elephant in the room that is you and Missy engaging in casual sex when you want more, at some point, that massive pile of shit is going to drop and stink up the place. I just hope you’re prepared for that.’

Why the fuck does that analogy make sense? Doug’s words hit me square in the chest, and I nod as the door opens and Bree sticks her head out.

‘You two making out?’ she calls, and Doug throws up a middle finger, making her laugh. ‘Okay, baby brother, put your dicks away. Your beers are getting warm.’

Inside the bar, it’s loud. The girls are sitting at our table already, flicking through the book of karaoke choices on offer, and I can’t stop thinking about what Doug said outside. Maybe I should tell her, try my hand and let her know I want more. I know she cares about me. I catch the looks. I hear the way she talks to me, and the sex is something else. I feel the way she clings to me and touches me. I swallow her gasps and moans like I need them to survive, and she gives them freely, and there is nothing casual about the way we connect on any level. Maybe she’s thinking it too but doesn’t know how to take the step. Maybe I should take it for both of us.

‘You okay?’ Missy asks, and I swallow, bringing my gaze to hers and realizing I was completely zoned out.

‘Uh,’ I clear my throat. ‘Yeah, I’m good.’

‘Okay, ladies and gentlemen, next up, it’s the queen of the blowout,’ my beer comes out of my nose, and Doug slaps me hard on the back, ‘Missy.’

Bree and Cara fall into a fit of giggles as Missy eyeballs me, amusement in her eyes, then saunters toward the microphone.

I wipe my mouth and nose as the music starts, and all eyes in the bar turn on Missy. Everyone knows she can sing. Most of the people in this bar were at Buck and Lucy’s wedding to hear it firsthand, and those who weren’t were told about how amazing she was.

I don’t know the song, but it doesn’t matter. I’m transfixed as her beautiful, soulful voice wraps around the words and the melody.

Fuck, she’s amazing. I can’t let her go.

As Missy finishes the song and walks back toward us, I watch as the locals filling the bar stop her to talk and tell her how amazing she is, and this weird possessive pride fills me up.

Man, I need a drink.

Walking to the bar, I feel her eyes track me and turn to offer her a wink that makes her smile as I reach the sticky surface of the bar and immediately regret resting my arms there.

‘Hey, Nick,’ Bud, the bar manager, greets, and I nod. ‘Another round for the table?’

‘Please.’ While he gets to work on our round, I turn to watch Missy laughing with the guys as Don, the bank teller, morphs into a budget Billy Joel in front of our very eyes.

I pay for the beers and am carrying them back to the table when someone steps in front of me.

‘Nick, hey.’ Tessa smiles up at me, and I return the gesture to be polite.

‘Hey, Tessa.’ I hold up the beers that are starting to cramp my fingers from the awkward way I picked them up. ‘I need to put these down.’

‘Oh, of course.’

Not catching my meaning exactly, Tessa follows me to our table and when I sit, she sits next to me. I turn to her as the guys look between each other, wondering what is going on, and Tessa turns her body so her back is to the girls, to Missy, while she talks to me.

‘It’s good to see you out enjoying yourself.’ She puts her hand on my forearm and leans in toward me. In my peripheral view, I notice Missy track the movement before her eyes flick up to mine and then away. ‘I wish you would have taken me up on my suggestion to get together, but hey, we’re both here now.’

She smiles, and I know that smile: it’s flirtatious and opportunistic.

‘Oh, um I…’

‘You want to grab a table, get some privacy?’ she asks, and I glance at Missy to see her focusing on the bottle in her hands. I see it now, the way she’s leaning slightly toward us, tuning out the rest of the guys to listen to Tessa and me. She’s jealous.

Now, what I should do here is say, no thanks, Tessa, I’m not really on the market for anything right now. But, like the fuckin’ idiot I am, I say, ‘Sure.’

I keep my attention on Tessa, whose eyes widen with surprise as I feel Missy’s gaze snap up at the same time as the rest of my friends and I stand, then follow Tessa to a booth.

I could say that I just wanted to talk to Tessa. I could even say that I saw her as an opportunity for something more when Missy didn’t want that, but what I was thinking when I said sure was that I wanted Missy to be jealous. I liked it. I want her to see what we have as something we could lose, and my stupid ass figured Tessa was a chance to show her that. Now, as I sit with Tessa and see the hopeful expression in her eyes, then glance at my cell to see the,what the fuck are you doing?text from Doug, I realize I fucked up.

---