Page 44 of Gluttony

Once he was on his feet, towering over her, his cold gaze paralyzing in its intensity, he pursed his lips, shaking his head as if in disappointment. She couldn’t breathe, her mind spinning, as she watched him peerintoher. Then, his gaze brushed over her face, down her neck, her chest, her belly, right down to her feet. Then, his gaze drifted upward, taking in her body again, slowly, methodically, as though he were counting her pores, categorizing every twitch of muscle, mapping each of her features….

Finally, he spoke, his voice deep yet clear, “To answer your question, I’ve never had a woman in here. This is my place of work, and despite what you may think of me, I am a professional, and I take my duties to this club seriously.”

Okay, now she felt like shit.

“Red—”

“But it wouldn’t matter if I fucked a hundred or none, you would still find something about it, about me, that you’ll use as an excuse to run.”

Okay, now she felt like punching something. But before she could take a swing or speak, he continued.

“Because you’re scared.”

As though her lungs were ripped from her chest, her breath exploded from her body, her ears ringing with his words.

Because he was right.

FIFTEEN

She didn’t knowhow she was still standing because her legs were jelly, and the floor was lava.

His voice was like glacier ice over gravel. “How long, Val?” He cocked his head, his eyes devouring every emotion that skittered across her face.

Confused, she furrowed her brow. “How long what?”

His jaw hard, he leaned against his desk, putting all his weight on his hands. His shoulders, broad and strong—capable of carrying the weight of the world—slumped, as though defeated. He dropped his head, and for the first time since see him, she hated looking at him.

She’d done this to him.

Fuck.

Red’s voice, flat and yet soft, carried to her ear. “If you’d never come to Cool Hands that night, if you’d never decided you were finally going to come to me, to show yourself to me, to tell me you were ready to put a label on what we had…. If you hadn’t done it then…how long would you have taken?”

Where was he going with this? “I have no idea—and what’s with the hypothetical? The truth is that Ididcome to CoolHands, I overheard you talking with your club brothers about fuck tokens, and I saw you walk out of there to fuck the blonde.”

“Yes, but humor me, Val…how long would it have taken you? How long would you have sat behind your screen, too scared to step up and take what you wanted? If my definition of wait was the same as yours, how long would you have made me wait? Weeks? Years?”

Bristling, she opened her mouth, but he looked up at that moment, his gray-hazel eyes stark with edgy emotion.

“But youdidn’twait?—”

He hissed, shaking his head. “This isn’t even about sex, it’s about intimacy, it’s about what makes a relationship work. I might not have experience with committed relationships, but I have seen, with my own eyes, what it looks like. Cilla and Patriot, Locust and Nadia, Horde and Stephie. For a long time, Frost and Emily.” The way he said those two names had an edge to it she couldn’t quite catch. “They all have something I have been dying to know for myself…and I want it with you.”

Her heart leapt but it was held in check…by fear. God, Red was right.

He sighed, his gaze beginning to warm as he drew away from the desk and reached out for her. She couldn’t stop herself from moving toward him even if her shoes were glued to the floor. Close enough for her to wallow in his scent, he reached out and skimmed a single finger down her cheek, tracing the dry tracks left behind by her tears.

“It’s more than just sex, its touching, its being there for one another, holding them in your arms when you need a hug, or nursing them back to health when they’re sick. It’s about making them hot chocolate when they’re sad or tucking their hair behind their ear when they’re being adorable. Its seeing them succeed, being there to give them a high-five when they kick ass at something. It’s about sharing more than just your body withsomeone, it’s about sharing your life, your ups and downs, your wins and your loses, the good and the bad—and while I can talk to you through your screen, I could never feel your arms around me when I was having a shit day. I couldn’t put my arms around you when you were missing your mom. You couldn’t slap me on the back and congratulate me for a job well done, and I could never sit beside you and watch as you wipe the floor with some cyberpunk looking for an ass-whoopin’. Online, behind screens, we were living half a life—less than half a life, because I only ever heard your voice, at least you got to see me, my expressions, my smile, my frown…you never gave me that pleasure. I only knew the bits and pieces you threw me—how is a man, desperate for the one he loves, supposed to live without being able to take a full breath?”

Again, his finger traced her cheek, down her jaw to her chin, where he grasped her with his thumb and forefinger, keeping her face upright…so she couldn’t turn away.

“I was barely surviving.” He swallowed, his eyes closing as though holding back tears. “How long were you expecting me to live like that, Valentina?” At the last word, he opened his eyes, and she was obliterated by the look of absolute devastation and yearning in his eyes.

Recoiling from that look, his words, and the truth in them, she tried to step away, but his hands dropped and gripped her shoulders, holding her in place. His strong fingers held her tight enough to keep her there but not so much that he hurt her. Even in his emotional state, he was careful with her.

Her voice breaking, she cried out, “I don’t know! I couldn’t just come to you, Damian! After the accident, I was broken—mentally, physically, emotionally. I’d lost my mother, endured months of painful skin grafts and rehab, then I had to find a new normal living in a group home with other broken kids. I didn’t feel human, not for a long time, not until I slid into your DMs.You helped me feel like I could be more than just the shadow of a woman?—”

“And you made me feel like I was more than just a body people wanted,” he interjected, a plea in his voice. “You made me realize that I was yearning, desperately, for a connection with someone, a deep connection that went beyond what could be seen. I’d never seen you, but I felt that connection to you, and I know you felt it to me. I had been searching for it without knowing, and you gave me what I had been gasping for.Youdid that, no one else. You gave me something I could no longer live without, something I neverwantto live without….” Those words stole her breath.

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