Page 35 of Replay

Ten

Gently placing the vase of pink roses down beside the apartment door, I slip the letter I wrote her last night in between the stems.

I stand there staring at her door, wishing I could hold her through the tears I know she’ll shed today. Tears I’d give anything to kiss away.

Lifting my fist, I consider knocking, but remind myself she wouldn’t want that. Even though she kissed me last night, the look of regret on her face as she pulled away keeps playing on repeat in my mind. But so does the way her lips felt on mine.So fucking right.

Suddenly, the door is opening, and Berkley stands in front of me. Sporting puffy eyes and a shocked expression as she looks between me and the roses.

“You remembered?” she barely gets out as a sob rips through her, and she covers her mouth.

I instinctively pull her into me. Her head fits perfectly under my chin, just like it used to.

“I’m so sorry, BB.” My heart breaks at the way her body shudders against mine.

A few minutes go by before she settles down. Squatting beside us, she picks up the flowers. After smelling them, a small smile spreads across her pretty face. “Her favorite scent and her favorite color. Thank you again.” She hesitates, then asks, “I was going to go on a run to clear my head, but how about a walk instead?”

“Sure,” I say, way too eagerly.

“Let me put these inside.”

I nod and wait by her door until she rejoins me, and we start our walk in silence. The memory of the first year we spent together on the anniversary of her mother’s death plays out in my thoughts as we make our way toward Ridgeway Park.

Berkley immediately grabs the rope I toss her as I coast up beside the dock. My buoys gently bounce into the small pier as she reaches for my hand and hops in.

The sad look on my sweet girl’s face almost breaks me. I knew today would be hard for her.Her bereavement counselor told her that “the firsts” are always the toughest.

I want to make today the best day I can for her. Full of all the things her mom loves. I was honored when Berkley asked me to take her to Shackleford Banks, one of the smaller islands off Nori Beach, to scatter part of her mom’s ashes.

As I get the boat back in the canal, she immediately throws her arms around me. I keep one hand on the wheel and squeeze her as tight as I can with the other.

“How was breakfast, baby?” I ask. She and her dad had a special breakfast this morning, just the two of them. I invited him to come on the boat, but he told Berkley he would rather have some alone time.

“It was good. My dad made waffles for the first time in over a year because they were her fave,” she sniffles. “He said she wouldn’t want us to live on this earth without chocolate waffles.”

I pull her in between me and the steering wheel, resting my chin on top of her head. One hand on the wheel, the other on her hip. Wanting her to feel the love I have for her, wanting to be the shoulder she leans on during times like this. It breaks my heart that at only sixteen, she’s honoring her mother on the one-year anniversary of her death instead of going to the mall or having a mother-daughter day.

“I’ll feed you chocolate waffles any time you want.” I gently squeeze her side, where I know she’s ticklish.

“Oh yeah?” she giggles, swatting my hand away.

“Yep, they may be L’eggo my Eggo brand until I figure it out.”

That gets a smile from my girl, and I bend down gently, kissing her neck. “Speaking of favorite foods…go peek in the cooler before we pick up speed.”

She eyes me curiously. “What are you up to?”

I shrug and nod for her to go check it out.

Slowly walking up to the head of the boat, she opens the cooler and lets out a little gasp.

“Nate…” Berkley picks the pink roses up from the top of the cooler, tears in her eyes. “How did you know?”

“I listen, baby…every time you talk. I hold on to every word.”

I live and breathe for the smile she gives me. Even on days like today, I just stare at her in awe. The way I love her is so much bigger than I ever understood to be possible.

“Keep looking,” I beam with pride, happy to bring a little sunshine to my girl on such a tough day.

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