Page 36 of Replay

“Oh my gosh, is that a key lime pie from Friendly’s market? Annnd their five-bean salsa dip?” she asks, rummaging through the cooler that I stocked from one of the local markets. It’s a favorite for tourists and locals alike. Berkley and I go there often, and she talks about her mom always stopping there when they’d come to see her aunt before she passed.

“Yep, and I have the chips under the seat. I thought we could have a picnic with a few more of her favorite things.”

The sadness that was staining her face earlier is starting to fade away.

Walking back to me, she says softly, “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

“Only during certain times, I don’t think are appropriate to speak of right now.”

She laughs at that. “Well, that too, but seriously, thank you…” Berkley leans up on her tiptoes to kiss me, and I feel it deep in my bones. “Thank you for being you, Nathan Outlaw.”

“Thank you for letting me be here.”

I pull her back in between my legs. “Hang on, baby. Let’s go find your mom the perfect spot.”

We drive out into the ocean and around to the quieter side of the island until Berkley points out a spot. “I think this is perfect.”

She helps me anchor the boat just like she has many times this summer before we hop out and make our way to the shore.

A wide smile spreads across Berkley’s face as she takes in the area. “She’d love it. You can see the horses’ hoofprints in the sand just up the beach.”

I give her a reassuring smile and pass her the ashes she’s been keeping in a small silk pouch.

“Wish your dad could have come; it’s such a beautiful day.”

“I hate the thought of him being alone, but a part of me knows I wouldn’t be able to grieve and embrace the moment the way I want to if he was here. I’d be so worried about his feelings, I wouldn’t take time to focus on my own. It’s something counseling has pointed out and something I’m working on. It’s just hard when I’m all he has.”

My heart sinks for her, for them both. I’m not super close with my mom, but I couldn’t imagine losing her so suddenly the way they did.

“All you can do is take it one day at a time.” I reach for her hand, intertwining our fingers. “Your mom will always be with you. She’s watching over us right now. Eying up all my snacks,” I say, trying to ease her mind and she gives me a gentle smile, squeezing my hand.

“Now let’s honor your mama the way you want to, the way she would love.”

Her confession is the first to break the silence.

“These last two years have been even harder than the first few.”

My heart sinks at her words. She nods for me to follow her over to the bench at the edge of the trail that looks perfectly out onto the mountains surrounding us.

“The happy life I was under the illusion my mom lived was just that… An illusion. I found out the sickening truth Christmas break, freshmen year.”

The hairs on the back of my neck standup…Does she know?

“What do you mean?”

“One thing that always gave me peace was feeling like my mom had a happy life before she left this earth. In my mind, she lived a fairy tale until her last breath.”

I close my eyes. This was a major driving force behind our break up. I never wanted her to lose that vision of her mother.

In this moment, I don’t try to fill the silence because of my own discomfort; I just simply listen.

“The day after Christmas, almost two years ago, a man came to our apartment, beating on the door.”

Was it my dad? No, he wouldn’t have done that to Berkley.

“Do you remember the grief counselor I was seeing once a month in high school, Angela?”

I nod, recalling how helpful that was for her back then.

---