The waiter comes and takes our orders and delivers us drinks. A look of confusion must cross my face because Carter informs me that he ordered my coffee just how I like it, since I was running a little behind.
“That was sweet of you. Thank you.”
He stares at me for a few moments, a nervous look taking over his usually cool persona. Releasing a breath, his hand grabs at the hair at the back of his neck. “Uh, listen. I'm not sure how to do this. So, I'm just going to come out and say it,” he starts, and I sit up straighter.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted this weekend. I was an asshole, and I hope you can forgive me. I know this week was a tough one for you, and then me being an asshole didn’t help.”
“Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it.” And I mean what I say. It takes a lot for someone to admit when they are wrong, so I welcome his honesty. But what gets me is that I haven’t thought about our fight last weekend. This further proves how clouded my brain has been lately.
“It’s just—I’ve been so worried about this ever since he showed up,” he says, his hands tightly wound together in front of him on the table. “I saw the way you used to be with him, and you’ve never given me that…”
My stomach tenses as I go to speak, but he continues. “I know… I know, we aren’t like that. But shit, B, I really want you to give me a chance here.”
He lets out another long breath just as our food arrives at the table, effectively pausing whatever else he was about to confess. Can’t say I'm not thankful for the reprieve. I really don’t know what to say… I don’t want to hurt him, but he also needs to remember I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend when we first started hooking up.
“Shit, I'm sorry for unloading all this on you right now. I’m sure it’s the last thing you need this week. I know that might be selfish of me, but I just had to get it off my chest.”
I try my best to hide my wince. In all actuality, I feel like the selfish one, considering I can’t come to terms with what I really want.
“Thank you for being honest with me.” My mind flits to Nate and the honesty he finally gave me this week.
Focus on the man in front of you, B.
“I’m sorry I have never been able to promise you more, Carter; if I could, I would.” For the first time ever, I internally question if I want him to give me the easy out here. But, like so much other shit in my life… I just don’t know.
I do know my mind is clouded because of Nate, but even when I was trying to give it my all with Carter, I still wasn’t able to.
He smiles, trying to hide his disappointment, and I hate myself a little more. “That’s okay, babe. I’ll hold out for the possibility of one day.”
I force a smile onto my face, even though deep down, I know that isn’t the response I was hoping for.
He points his fork to my plate. “Now eat up. I have to be on the bus in a couple of hours.”
Unfortunately, my appetite went out the window with my ability to speak my feelings.
“Hello, earth to Berkley.”
The sound of Marie’s voice has me snapping to. “Shit, sorry, I zoned out there for a minute.”
“Not to worry, girl. Was that regular salt or Tajin on the rim of the jalapeño margarita for table eight?”
“Tajin, please,” I answer after double-checking my order pad. Which is unusual for me, because I don’t typically need to writeanything down, but tonight, my brain is complete and utter mush.
After my late breakfast with Carter, I immediately went for a run, hoping the fresh air would clear my thoughts and help me think straight. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t work, so I was left to stew all through my two-hour-long afternoon special education seminar.
“You okay, girl?” Marie asks before continuing with my order.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind this week. I’m good, though,” I say with as much conviction as possible. I escape to the office for a moment to collect myself.
My heart aches for what Carter confessed earlier today. Am I at fault for leading him on more than I should have? Knowing my heart was never there for the taking in the first place. I thought I made that clear enough to him from the moment we took it a step further, but apparently not. I wonder if, in another life, I could see myself with Carter. He’s handsome and sweet in his own way, but when his lips are on mine…it's not the earth-shattering, all-consuming feeling. The feeling I know existed because I've experienced it before, just not with him.
I unloaded a bit of my conversation on Bellamy when she caught me after my run, and she, too, didn’t know what to say. Which is quite surprising, considering she’s one of the best advice-givers I know. However, she’s a lot lessI hate Natethese days, and a lot moreI wish I had a hot stalker who's obsessed with me.
Everyone seems to be at a loss for words about my situation when all I need is some sound advice to help me navigate it all.
I swipe at the lone tear trickling down my cheek.
It's times like these that I miss my mom the most. How badly I wish I could pick up the phone and call her. I know that in a crisis, she would have dropped everything and come to visit me. We would have gorged ourselves on snacks and talked until the wee hours of the morning. She would know what I should do…and without her guidance, I feel so lost.