Page 57 of Replay

Me

I’m serious, Berkley. I never touched her.

Honestly, seeing Nikki at Texas Tech made me sick to my stomach. She was so insignificant, but her presence served as a constant reminder of the night that everything spiraled between Berkley and me.

BB

Clearly, based on this picture.

Me

You know what I mean. Never more than a friendly hug.

BB

I’m trying here, Nate. Trying to believe everything you tell me. Trying to remind myself of the ways you’ve shown me you care since you’ve been back, but then I see shit like this. And my mind is racing. It's just hard for me to believe a girl who you happened to meet the night we broke up has you tagged in multiple pictures, and nothing ever went down between you two.

Me

Where are you? Can we meet up so I can explain? I promise it’s not what it seems.

BB

I’m going to class.

Fuck. If she only knew. Part of me contemplates showing her more of my thoughts I wrote in my playbook during that first year, wondering if the rawness would help her process or make things worse. This is all so fucked up, and it’s my damn fault.

Me

I know it seems sus. And she did seek me out. I was initially nice to her since I had met her before, and I felt obligated to be kind. But if you notice, the pictures stop fairly early into the first semester.

Me

The first night she came on to me, I passed it off as her being drunk. The second time, I told her it would never happen between us and to keep her hands off me. She never tried again.

I was a total dick to her, if I’m being honest.

Me

We still have so much to talk about. I want to answer anything running through your mind.

Her silent treatment unsettles me enough that I find myself searching back through the first journal my dad gave me.

Rereading the entry makes my gut churn and briefly takes me back to a headspace I don’t want to be in again. I contemplate ripping it out and leaving it on Berkley’s doorstep, but I’m not sure it will have the effect I want it to.

“I hope we have this weather for Saturday’s game,” Graham says as we take our food out into the courtyard.

“Me too.” The campus really is something beautiful, especially this time of year as the leaves start to change. We don’t usually have time to relax like normal college kids on campus, but Coach told us to take an extra hour today for ourselves in preparation for our home game in a few days.

When Graham asked if I wanted to eat with him, I knew I could use the distraction after my last text to Berkley went unanswered.

“You good?” Graham asks, examining me in a way only he does.

Glancing at the UTZ bag of chips I bought myself for a taste of nostalgia, I nod. “Yeah, brother.” Not wanting to unload my shitty mood on him, I lie. “How about you? Lots of chatter about who’s going to pick you up in the draft.”

He sets his sandwich down and smiles at me. “It’s surreal, ya know.”

I can only imagine what that feeling will be like for myself after next year.

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