Page 73 of Replay

“Like it always was with us,” Nate says, standing up and walking into the bathroom. “Were you worried it wouldn’t be the same?”he asks when he comes back out with a washcloth and cleans me up.

The sweet gesture takes me back to our first time together. He has always cared for me in a way I took for granted, until I realized that not every guy is like him.

I shake my head and answer honestly, “No, not one bit, but sometimes I wondered if I created an illusion in my head about how good it was between us.”

He pulls me in to him, placing his chin on top of my head. “I’m so sorry I ever put those doubts in your mind.”

I breathe in his scent. Everything about this night feels so surreal, but one thing I genuinely feel in my bones is that Nate didn’t intend to hurt me.

“I know, but I also have come to terms with the fact you did what you felt was best. You aren’t the villain in this story, Nate. They are,” I whisper, kissing his bare chest.

“Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and change the decision I made that night, I would.”

Leaning back, I look him in the eye. “I won’t sugarcoat things. Something changed inside my soul that day…” I swallow, my voice thick with emotion. Being in his arms feels like all is finally the way it should be, but I also remember how painful the day he left me was. “And I’ve built up some major barricades around my heart since then.”

I see the pain flash in his eyes at my honesty, but I don’t let myself feel guilty. Nate didn’t have any intention of hurting me, but I also can’t help how I dealt with it.

“I understand. I’ll take whatever you give me.”

This man. Who am I kidding?

My barricades are more like hazard cones at this point, and he’s plowing right through them.

Literally.

I bury my face into his neck, and we hold each other until I think of something I’ve been wanting to ask him.

“The journal… When did you start that?”

“My dad sent it to me one of my first weeks in Texas. He knew I was going through a lot, so he encouraged me to write it all down to help me work through everything.” He lets out a chuckle. “At first, I was a typical teenage boy, skeptical at the idea of keeping a sort of diary. But one day, he said to just pretend it was a playbook. It’s only for you to see anyway, so who cares. Now I realize how effective it has been for me. It was the best coping mechanism I could’ve asked for at the time. Honestly, if we—” He clears his throat. “If I ever have children, I will encourage them to write in a journal from an early age.”

The butterflies in my belly multiply at his slip-up.

I smile at him. “I think it's amazing. Your dad is the best.”

“He really is.” He digs into his nightstand and pulls out a stack of journals.

“This was my first one.”He passes one to me, and I sit up, clenching the sheet to my bare chest with one hand and tracing my fingertips over his handwriting with the other.

The Playbook of Nathan Outlaw’s Life

“The very first page is about you. Not sure if it's too much tonight, but if you’re comfortable with it, take a look.” He nods toward the book to encourage me.

Even if it hurts, I want to know. The not knowing and assuming over the past two years has been the hardest part.

I take a deep breath and open the journal.

Freshmen year- August 15th

I finally broke down and tried to call you today. As I suspected, you blocked me. I can’t say I blame you.

It’s so hard when the one person you want to talk to about something is the one person you can’t for so many reasons.

I keep second guessing if I did the right thing. What if my mom and your dad end up together and you end up finding all of it out either way? What if your image of both of your parents is ruined by all this? I think the last piece of my heart will break if that happens.

I will have lost you and you will have lost that.

I’m so frustrated with my mom and your dad. Disgusting, selfish assholes. But I just keep tellingmyself I did the right thing. I would have never wanted to keep that secret from you, especially while navigating a long-distance relationship. It would have just put another hundred miles between us. And these would have been tainted with lies and betrayal.

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