Page 74 of Replay

My dad thinks I should tell you, but he doesn’t understand that your dad is all you have. He doesn’t understand that you idolized your parents’ love story as a memoir to your mother.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

I miss you so fucking much, BB. I wish my life was like a DVD, and we could just scratch out the bad part, the part where I saw something that changed the trajectory of our love story.

Nate takes the book from me as I process what I just read. My chest aches for the boy I loved so much, who was silently hurting. The next page he hands me is a date easy to recognize.

My birthday.

Freshmen year- March 26th

Happy Birthday to my BB. Today, you turn 19. If you had asked me how I would be spending your birthday a year ago, it definitely wouldn’t have been drunk in my room, avoiding reality.

I saw pictures… Graham said y’all celebrated a day early. He won’t really tell me anything else.

I saw Carter Graves in your pictures. I’m pretending he’s just a familiar face from back home, that there’s nothing more to his arm around you. The alternative would gut me.

You look happy in the pictures with the girls you’re hanging out with now. I know you blocked me, but since Graham was tagged, I was able to see. I loved seeing your genuine smile. In some fucked-up way, it brought me peace today.

I hope you feel your mom’s love today; I know she’d be so proud of you.

I’m pretty fucked up, BB, but I’m trying to get back to the old Nate.

I’m just not so sure I know who I am without you anymore.

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful girl in the world. Speaking of the most beautiful girl… Did you know the beach wasn’t the first day I saw you?

It’s true. I don’t know why I never told you this before. But I saw you on the boardwalk a couple of days before. You had on a purple sundress, and I literally ran into a pole and got ice cream all over myself, watching you smile at people as you walked down the boardwalk. I wanted to talk to you so badlythat day, but I looked like an idiot with chocolate ice cream all over me. I searched for two days until I found you lying on the beach in that sexy blue bikini. Nothing was stopping me that day from talking to you.

Sometimes, I wonder if you regret giving me a chance.

I let out a deep sigh, just staring at the page for another moment. My stomach sours at the torment in his words.

Shaking my head and trying my best to keep my tears at bay, I tell him, “Nate, I would never regret that day. No matter what… I mean that with every fiber of my being. Never.”

He gently traces his finger over my exposed thigh. “Thank you for saying that.”

“I mean it. Even on my worst days, I never regretted a second of my time with you.” We just look at each other for a moment, so much love still between us it’s palpable, before I ask, “Can I see one more?”

“You can see them all.” He smiles up at me and opens the journal from the bottom of the stack, flipping through the book until he finds the entry he’s looking for and passes it to me.

April 25th- Sophomore Year

It’s official, I’m going to Mountain Ridge. I’ve known it since the moment they asked me. They haveone thing that Alabama and Florida don’t, and she makes the decision easy.

I’m hoping this is fate’s way of kicking me in the ass and giving me one final chance. But another part of me is scared to take that chance because won’t everything we went through be for nothing if she finds out the truth?

Am I willing to be the person responsible for destroying the image she has of her parents?

I’m as conflicted as I was the day we broke up, but one thing I do know is that I’m not giving up on the chance to be near her again. I’ll figure out the rest when I get there.

Let’s just hope I don’t shatter my heart even more than I already have.

My own heart hammers, and I close my eyes. I can feel his chaotic emotions coming off the page in each of these entries.

We were both in so much pain.

His large hand cups my face. “BB, talk to me.”

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